Answering Gay Google Suggestions

Since the omnipotent Google started creepily cataloging what people have been asking the search engine, another strange and sagging underbelly of the internet population has been revealed.  If you don’t know what “google suggestions” are, allow the Google Giant to explain it for itself:

As you type into the search box on Google Web Search, Google Suggest offers searches similar to the one you’re typing. Start to type [ new york ] — even just [ new y ] — and you’ll be able to pick searches for New York City, New York Times, and New York University (to name just a few). Type some more, and you may see a link straight to the site Google thinks you’re looking for — all from the search box.

Their explanation sounds nice, but even Google must have known that most people aren’t asking the Almighty Internet about NYT or NYU.  They’re asking what it means when you’re poop is green, why women don’t get pregnant every time they have sex, and whether or not it’s legal to marry your widow’s sister.  Bloggers have been making lots of lists of some of the stranger things suggested by Google.  When I read these lists, it sets my mind off on many different, dizzying paths.  Sometimes they read like instructions, for instance these three questions are grouped together:

  • How to write a resume?
  • How to make money?
  • How to write a cover letter?

Other times it’s like poetry, like this one for the lost sailor:

Why is the sky blue?
Why is the ocean salty?
Why is the ocean blue?
Why is the sea salty?
Why is the moon red?
Why is the sea blue?

Why is the rum gone?

Why is the earth round?

Sometimes they drive me to do my own googling, when people ask particularly good questions.  For instance, why don’t dogs have belly buttons?  And what does it mean if you send a red and a white rose together?

And sometimes, the lists are downright depressing:

  • Why am I here?
  • Why am I always tired?
  • Why am I not losing weight?
  • Why am I single?
  • Why am I depressed?

But even more depressing than that list, are the large amounts of racist, sexist and recently homophobic questions people are asking.  Here are some examples I found just now:

Why do black people...

Why do black people...

Until recently, when I would experiment and type in “Why do gay people…” or “Why are gays…”, nothing would come up.   I began to wonder why google would allow slander like “Why do black people love fried chicken…” but would block something like “Why do gay people have AIDS?”   But no more!  Google now allows bigotry of all people, including Gays.

When I type into google one of the most sought after questions, “Is it ok to be Gay?” the first link sends me to a quiet little website with hearts on it and this somewhat traumatizing video about what it means to be gay (apparently, it means AIDS):

So, instead of searching wearily through the depths of the internet for your gay stereotype queeries, I’ve assembled some answers from a real live gay person: me!  Here are my quick and easy answers to the most asked “gay stereotype” questions and statements posed by sadly uninformed Googlers:

Why are gay…

  • men feminine?

Well, according to my cab driver a few weeks ago, gay men are feminine because they’re half woman.  I don’t think this is quite right, since I appear to be all man biologically.  Instead, I’ll assume that what you mean when you ask this is, “Why are some gay men feminine?” since there are plenty of gay men out there who play with other types of balls aside from just testicles, which is apparently a masculine thing to do.  I guess I’d say that some gay men are feminine because they it feels right to them to be that way. If that bothers you, the you need to ask yourself why you’re masculinity is threatened by someone’s lack thereof.  If you need to know the answer to that quickly, use this website.

  • people gay?

More and more studies are showing that it’s genetic, but really the sex is just better.  Just kidding, it’s genetic.  But the sex is definitely awesome.

  • marriages wrong?

My guess on this one would be because a lot of all marriages are wrong, so there have to be an equal or similar percentage of gay ones that are wrong too.  Marriages go wrong for many reasons.  Maybe you feel pressured into getting married to someone you’re not sure you love?  Maybe you and your partner are in different places in life?  Maybe you’re just too easy to give up?  In any event, marriage counseling has proven to be useful for many couples, and perhaps you should look into it.

  • men so attractive?

Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!  Actually no, I don’t moisturize and I look good.  The answer to this one depends on if you’re a man or a woman asking the question.  If you’re a lady, perhaps you’re attracted to the unattainable.  This could be a self confidence issue, and you should realize that there are plenty of hot straight men out there, you just have to accept that you are good enough for what is available to you.  If you’re a dude asking this question, then go get a mirror.  Are you attractive?  If you answered yes, then maybe you’re gay.  If you answered no, then go moisturize and look again.

Gay people are…

  • not born gay.

Well, I’m not saying that I came out of the womb in a Cher wig, but I will tell you that when I was in the 3rd grade I noticed that a blond classmate named Zach was super, super hot.  When did you first notice you liked the opposite sex?

  • sick.

Bacteria and viruses are the most common causes of illness in both homo and heterosexuals.

  • going to hell.

Well, if you believe in hell, then I guess it would be because we are sinful.  But when you get to the gates yourself, you better have some hearty passages from the bible to back that one up, which actually don’t exist like you think they do.  So, you bring the cocktail sauce, I’ll see you there.

  • annoying.

Well, at least gay people aren’t responsible for this:

Why do gay people…

  • talk like that?

I assume you mean the lisp and the high voice that again, some gay men have?  I went to speech therapy when I was a kid, as did many gay men according to David Sedaris.  But, unfortunately there have been no in depth, non biased studies conducted about the verbal tendencies of homosexual vs. heterosexual men.  So I will give you credit for the meaning of this question, but not the way you phrased it.

  • want to join the army?

Beats me.   I’ll never go.  But,  I think we just want to be allowed to join the army.  And there is an easy equation for this, if it’s hard to understand.  First, ask “Is this something straight people can do?”  If the answer is “Yes, this is something straight people can do,” then gay people also want to be able to do it.

  • have aids?

AIDS is an epidemic that has “shifted steadily toward a growing proportion of cases among black people and Hispanics and in women, and toward a decreasing proportion in [sex between two men].” So asking why “gay people have aids” is kind of like asking why tall people have asthma.

  • exist?

Actually we’re a genetically similar set of aliens from another planet on which everyone mates with their own sex.  We were sent here from the Earth Year 4293 through an accidental hiccup in the time-space continuum.  We were attempting to travel back in time on our own planet, but instead traveled forward in time to a galaxy on the other end of the universe.  Now we’re trapped here for 2,000+ more years until we can finally return to our own planet in the hopes that we can save our dying civilization, which was taken over by a group of underground “introbreeds”, who insisted on mating with the opposite sex.  The introbreed lifestyle was so appealing that the vast majority of our population “changed teams”, and now no one is breeding at all.  Imagine our shock, when, after the time-quake ended, we found ourselves peppered in amongst a race almost identical to our own, but introbreeders by nature.  But I suppose that is all part of the cosmic irony that holds our universe in place.  Anyway, that’s why we exist on your planet.

So, those are my answers!  If you have any more questions, send them my way!

3 responses to “Answering Gay Google Suggestions

  1. if you want to marry your widow’s sister, doesn’t that make you dead? and therefore unconcerned about who you’re married to?

    i sent this to everyone i know.

  2. Will, I loved this.

    Also I was amused to find that when you type in “why do straight…” you only get two suggestions, which are:

    Why do straight men cross dress?
    and
    Why do straight people care about gay marriage?

    The second one really begs the question – how come gay people care about marriage at all? It IS between a man and a woman after all. I mean, I don’t know any smart people who care about education. Or healthy people who care about health care reform.

  3. Pingback: The Military is So Gay « Invisible Inkling

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