The Military is So Gay

My counter-arguments for the dumb supporters of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Please let us kill people.

America has been so enraptured with the movement to allow gays to marry those that they love, that it came as a sort of “Oh yea, I remember that” moment when Obama brought up gays in the military in his State of the Union address.  Of course, no mention of gay marriage was made in the speech.  Personally I’d rather get married than kill Iraqis, but that’s just me.

Even though I’m a peace-nick, I of course believe that gays should be allowed to kill, KILL, KILL just like our heterosexual brethren.  As I said in an earlier post, there is a simple formula for figuring out why gay people want something from society.  Ask yourself, “Do straight people enjoy this right?”  If you answer yes, then gay people want to be able to do it too.  Therefore, since straight folks are allowed to murder people who disagree with the US, gay people should be allowed to do so as well.  Furthermore, we ought to be able to do it as an openly gay people, because, well we are gay.

Even though it’s clear as crystal to me and most smart people, including the top military commander and the godforsaken President of the United states, there are still some dumb-dumbs (John McCain, I’m looking at you) who don’t get it.  So, for those who don’t, I’m going to tackle some of their idgit arguments right now.  Here we go.

First, let’s start with the stereotypes, as those are some of the most common dumb-dumb arguments.  I can’t believe I still have to debunk these things, but…

Gays are Wimps

Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m kind of a wuss sometimes.  I don’t like dogeball, so I’m afraid I wouldn’t make a good soldier.  However, the same could be said for my heterosexual father (though he probably likes dodgeball, the man literally is unable to kill a fly).  Basically, if you are making this argument, you don’t think you know any gay people.  You see the Jacks and Wills on TV, and you assume that if you ever encountered a gay in the wild he would be lisping and sparkling like a vampire.  I say think because everyone who knows more than 14 people knows a gay person.  If you think all gays are wimps, that means the gay people you know are probably self-hating, in denial, or simply too angry at you to share who they really are.  But aside from this, it also means that they must be pretty masculine.  So, this logic, like all logic behind stereotypes, is fatally flawed.  As this article succinctly puts it, “like heterosexuals, gays and lesbians range across a broad spectrum from weak to strong, from sexually passive to sexually predatory, from very feminine to very masculine.”

Also, need I mention that this argument doesn’t cover lesbians, who, if unleashed, could conquer the Middle East with little more than a machete?

Gays are Sexual Predators

This one is funny.  I’ve heard this argument go two ways.

First, gay people will be distracted by their sexy, sexy fellow soldiers on the front lines.  Even with bullets whizzing by their heads, gay dudes will spring a boner with all that sweat and flexing muscle.  Though I don’t have any personal experience in battle, I do know that I rarely get horny when I’m afraid for my life.  I don’t think that anyone, gay or straight, would ignore impending death because they were horny.  And furthermore, are straight dudes so able to suppress their arousal that they aren’t turned on by the female soldiers fighting by their side?  I doubt it.

Secondly, people fear that gays will hit on or rape their heterosexual fellow officers.  I want to point out, before I go on, that rape wouldn’t be a new thing in the military.  So enough with the double standards, straight people.

It’s been a nice little fantasy for straight people that all gay men are so turned on by straight guys that they can’t control themselves.  I’ve met many-a straight man that believes I’m drooling over him whenever he turns his back.  To be honest, straight men, a lot of you are just gross.  See below.

A really gross straight man.

I’ll admit, however, that there are some straight men out there that get my juices flowing.  I have no doubt there’s quite a few in the military.  However, most gay people, after going through many difficult years  of being harrassed or abused for doing nothing other than walking down the street, know now that hitting on a straight man is a BAD idea.  Especially when they have a gun at hand.  So this argument is irrational and, if I can be so bold, egotistical.

Gays Will Disrupt Unit Cohesion

I’m going to try and avoid all of the good jokes I could make about the phrase “unit cohesion”.    The idea here is that gay people will somehow cause the togetherness of military groups to fracture.  My first argument is that military training, with the shaving of heads and the degrading language, is designed solely to create unity among soldiers.  Assuming that gays are put through the same thing, they too will become unified with their fellow fighters.  Secondly, after scouring the internet for an answer, I can’t find anyone who can explain exactly why gay people specifically would cause disruption.  So, once again, this is an invalid claim.

Gay People Would Be Harassed by Homophobic Persons

This is the most well-meaning dumb-dumb argument, but it’s still flawed.  I have no doubt that the military is full of homophobic people.  I’m sure a small number of those homophobic people might act out on their craziness and hurt or kill a gay member of their platoon.  So, here’s a simple solution.  Ban homophobic people from the military.  It would be more cost efficient and save more man power.

How would we scan for homophobic people?  Well, studies show that homphobic men’s penises grow in circumference when they view gay porn.  So we’ll just show all soldiers who claim to be straight coming into the army some videos and if their penis grows, then they don’t get to fight.

Of course I’m kidding, that would be strange and impractical.  However, suppose we aggressively and actively sought out and eliminated instances of homophobia in the military.  Couple that with education about equality and support during recruitment and training, and I think the unity of our armed forces would increase.  So suck on that, John McCain.

6 responses to “The Military is So Gay

  1. LOL< LOL< LOL wonderfully funny Liam, I am afraid you have picked up my mean streak though.

  2. Some day we’ll ask how anyone could have thought that any form of a communication gap in the military was a good thing.


  3. Hilarious. Hope it get 10,000 hits.

  4. Great post! But in reference to “studies show that homphobic men’s penises grow in circumference when they view gay porn” – despite being gay myself I’d rather be in the next room reading a good book!

  5. All of these arguments are so archaic! My god! Really, all you have to do is replace “gays” with any other minority and, wow, do we ever have something familiar. Women are wimps and weak! Women will be sexual distractions to their male counterparts! (Pick-your-racial-slur)s will disrupt cohesion! I mean, just look at their skin; it spells distraction and trouble-making if you ask me. And, really, you can’t expect our American patriots to simply overlook the fact that they must do their duty amidst interlopers. They will, naturally, react against this and it simply is unreasonable to require that they do otherwise. I’m afraid it’s just all too terribly inconvenient for us.

    I’m willing to bet that the last argument you discussed is not well-intentioned in the least. When I look at that, what I see is pure manipulation; someone realizes that the legal system is not going respond to their bigotry by enforcing or allowing homosexuals to be excluded from the right to serve (yeah, that is weird to say), so the logical conclusion is to try to convince them that they don’t want to be there.

    I keep astounding myself with how naive I must be; I am shocked by these arguments. Sadly, I don’t expect to be living in a time when no one thinks this way, but I am shocked that this is all being seriously discussed, that it’s so openly being treated as anything that should be considered in regards to individual rights. I’m sitting here with my head spinning. I can’t say enough. It is all just too appallingly vicious and ignorant.

  6. Straight men can be really gross…ugh.

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