Hey all. So it’s been a while, and I could apologize and tell you how I’m planning on making this blog its own thing and spending more time on it, maybe, or I could tell you that I’m busy with a paying job and apologize that I don’t have more time for this, or I get just get on with it.
So McSweeney’s, a neat website that is a great way to waste time at work, recently had a contest seeking out a new columnist. I entered, and failed to be selected for anything, but that means I get to maybe turn my column into something regular here.
Here was my idea for a regular column.
Taking issues I have faced in my own life, I have written a few questions for an advice column. Then I tried to think of some of the worst people to respond to these answers, and constructed the responses I think they might give.
Below are three Bad Advice Columns, followed by some ideas I might write if people think this is funny. If not, then fuck you I’ll understand.
It would be neat for you to send me some questions of your own! I’ll happily answer them if they’re good questions, and if you make a suggestion as to who would be the worst person to answer your question, I’ll take that into account too! Just post your question in the comment arena or e-mail them to me at Liam.Carnahan@gmail.com.
Bad Advice Column #1
Dear My Former Middle School Self,
I am currently at a new job, but I am having trouble connecting with my co-workers. Though they’re all nice people, there is little interaction outside of business, and I am getting bored! It seems like I could be friends with these people, but I’m not sure how to break the ice. Help!
You in 12 Years
Grown Up Self,
Listen, whatever you do, DO NOT BREAK THE ICE. Your co-workers will most likely laugh at you and/or think you’re weird. (And they may be right!) The best thing to do is to relax, try to pretend like you don’t exist, and remind yourself to tell your mom that the next time she buys you work clothes she should get black slacks instead of khakis. Cause frankly, I think everyone in the office except you is in on an e-mail chain about how stupid you look in those pants. You’re lucky Steve Sickler in HR hasn’t given you a swirlie yet. He’s scares me.
If the company tries to organize some sort of group get-together, such as a picnic or martinis after work, I would avoid it at all costs. This will only lead to future humiliation for years to come, as everyone will remember every idiotic comment you make for the rest of recorded time.
Good luck, and congratulations on the new job!
– Your Former Middle School Self
Bad Advice Column #2
Dear Caterpillar from Alice and in Wonderland,
My girlfriend insists that I accompany her on shopping trips, even though I loathe going to the mall. She’s convinced that if I go with her enough times,I’ll “come around,” but I know that’s not going to happen. What should I do? I can’t stand one more minute in JC Penney!
The Lady and the Shopkeep
The lady and the shopkeep were a most successful pair,
he helped her steam her toenails, then he gently trilled her hair.
He showed her ways to save her green,
and where to purchase dress fins,
but ask the lady’s boyfriend sweet?
He’d rather munch intestines.
In time the lady left her man, he could not satisfy her
it wasn’t the sex life, he didn’t cheat, she wanted a fellow buyer.
The lady and the shopkeep laughed,
at last, alone together,
they decided they would wed in June,
after a turn in weather.
And so, my dear, if you love your lady,
just watch her pay the fares.
Or else you may end up bridesmaid-y,
in just your underwears.
– The Pillar
Bad Advice Column #3
Dear Tourist Walking In Front of Me,
I’m late for a job interview! What should I do?
– Career on the Line
Dear Career on the Line,
First things first, slow down. You city folk with your hustle and bustle stress out those of us who are here to visit your beautiful home.
Okay. Now, try to pass me on the left. And now the right. And now the left again. There’s no point in stressing yourself out, it will only make your interview more anxiety-ridden. Also, you won’t be on time, because no matter how quickly you change your course to pass me, I can guarantee you that I will remain one step ahead of you, despite my heavy, circuitous trajectory.
Hold on, it’s a challenge to unfold a map, give you advice, and walk at the same time. I better just walk slowly so I can concentrate. There we go, all better. Now let me have a look here.
When you arrive at your interview, simply apologize and – oh wait.
My shoelace is untied.
Just a moment, the center of the walkway seems like the most appropriate place to safely tidy things up down there. All better.
Now that I’ve so kindly offered my advice, I have a question for you.
Can you point me in the direction of the nearest station? I’m eager to take a ride on one of those charming subway cars you have here, but I just can’t figure out this map.
Future Column Concept
Lady Gaga on formal wear for an office party
The Cop That’s Busting Up My Party on carpet cleaning methods
Liberace on strategies to get girls to notice me
Emily Dickinson on ways to get involved in the community
Ex-Boyfriends on strategies to better myself
The Dark Underlord of Hades on creative random acts of kindness
My Mom on ways to relax and not get anxious about the future
Martha Stewart on masculine decor for my college dorm
The Hamburglar on the Atkins diet vs. a low-cal diet
Let me know what you guys think, and please send me some questions that warrant bad advice! I’d like to give this a swing with some questions I didn’t formulate. Just post below, or send to Liam.Carnahan@gmail.com.