Category Archives: Blurbles

Quick read posts for fast updates.

Don’t talk to me about the World Cup

Seriously, don’t.

Once again, I took a mini-hiatus from this bloggy.  This whole writing for 8 hours straight about inane topics for my job is really taking away my desire to write blogs, or even look at electronic screens, after my work day is over.  But as the world slowly creeps onto the edge of its seats in anticipation of watching some pot smokers battle some mullets on a field in South Africa, I feel compelled to say this on behalf of all of those out there who, like me, aren’t going to watch:

Please, please, please don’t talk to me about the World Cup.  I don’t care, and I don’t want to talk about it or even listen to you talk at me about it.  Thanks.

I understand that many people are excited about this.  I get that for a lot of folks out there, this is like the Olympics, maybe even more exciting.  I see how it is a unique opportunity for nations to come together for some competition that doesn’t result in actual bloodshed.  These things are nice, but they don’t make me, personally interested.

Anyone who knows me intimately is aware that I actually harbor a dislike, rather than just an apathy for sports.  The World Cup has helped me focus on why I have this deep-seated spite.

In American culture, and it appears, in many other cultures across the globe, sports seem to hold some sort of special place in the public consciousness.   It has its own thick section in most newspapers, thousands of websites dedicated to discussion of every game imaginable, and I swear there are over 200 ESPN channels that even get their own special green color on my OnDemand.  What gives?

In my family, my father is what one might call fanatical when it comes to baseball.  It’s endearing, but it’s also borderline obsessive compulsive.  Even he understands, however, the frustration my mother and I feel when we are preparing to watch an engaging and intellectual program, such as 60 Minutes or King of the Hill, only to be interrupted by a football game going into overtime.  For some reason I don’t comprehend, more Americans would rather watch fat men in tight pants call time-outs repeatedly then learn about, oh, I don’t know, the current status of ground zero.

I’m not sure what it is, but sports have been placed on such a high pedestal that claiming to have no interest in them is often regarded with open remarks of ridicule.  Why is that acceptable?

What really bothers me, though, is when people try to force me to talk about FIFA (Which, I may point out, is a terrible title.  Federation and Association in the same acronym?  Someone call an editor.)  Allow me to give you the following anecdote:

I had just finished a rather satisfying bathroom experience, and was washing my hands, when a surprisingly well dressed crazy person started babbling about nonsense to me.  He was asking me questions, but moving on before I could comprehend what he was saying, as the insane are wont to do.

And then I realized, he wasn’t a person off his medications at all.  No, in fact, he was what appeared to be a businessman trying to talk to me about the World Cup.

Before I could even gather myself to say something back to him, probably my usual phrase, “Oh, I missed that game,” he was gone, muttering to himself that he had to catch the next inning (or whatever) of the game as he walked out.

Two words:  Unnacceptable behavior.  I am interested in a wide variety of topics, as some may gather from this blog.  However, I do not go talking to strangers in bathrooms about my mundane interests.

Imagine, for a moment, if I cornered a man after he had just passed a sizable stool and tried to force him to talk to me about the recent scientific endeavor to mix the DNA of goats and spiders to make a super strong silk-milk material.  I would be regarded as out of my mind, no?  That would be a socially inappropriate move, yes?

And yet, in our society, it is perfectly acceptable for men to talk to each other in bathrooms about other men kicking a little ball at each other.  Frankly, I don’t get it.

I was routinely “informed-against-my-will”  during the basketball world series (or whatever), and I expect to be regularly uncomfortably confronted about the World Cup this weekend, and probably for several days afterward.  So if you find yourself compelled to chat with me about the big game, I ask you to limit yourself to the following topics:

  • Vuvuzelas
  • How hot David Beckham is
  • What kind of cocktails you will be offering me for free if you are hosting a World Cup party

Anyway, there’s my monthly rant.  Maybe not my most informative post, but hopefully there are others who sympathize with me.  And if you have a reason why you think sports should be held in such high esteem, please, enlighten me!

I’ll be back with something more…substantial…soon.  I hope.

Liam TXTS BP

Look at that, one day after I said I wasn’t going to be blogging as much I feel like posting a blog.  Maybe I just needed to get back into my groove-thang.

Usually I give a little background on the person who sent me a post-worthy text, but I think we are all a little too familiar with BP and his shennanigans regarding a teeny-tiny oil spill.   Just look at this text.

BPizzle:  FML

LIAM:  What now?

BPizzle:  Fucking saw got stuck in the pipe.

LIAM:  😦  Wasn’t it dipped in diamondz?

BPizzle:  Yeah.  I had my own African-child-slaves mine the diamonds too.  😦

LIAM:  You suck.

BPizzle:  Don’t blame me.

LIAM:  Why not??  Itz ur fault.

BPizzle:  Blame Americanz who need oil to run their cars.

LIAM:  Omg, srsly?  I ride a bike.

BPizzle: LOL.  Faggot.

LIAM:  Corporate Satan.

BPizzle:  More like Corporate Santa.  BA-ZING.

LIAM:  No…pretty sure you’re more like Satan.

BPizzle:  Corporate Satin?

LIAM:  How do you figure?

BPizzle:  Have u ever touched an endangered bird covered in oil?  So soft…like satin.

LIAM: OMG

BPizzle:  }:-)

LIAM:  So how are you gonna fix this mess?

BPizzle:  Um…no idea.  Figure the oil will stop on its own eventually.

LIAM:  but…

BPizzle:  I SAID IT WILL STOP ON ITS OWN

The Invisible Blogger

Hey all.  I am entering this blog post with my head hung low.  It has been ages since I posted, and my life has changed dramatically.

I have made what can only be called a triumphant return to Boston, and have settled into an interesting (to say the least) and busy job, and a lovely and strange apartment.

On paper, I am a “news and content writer”, which is nice.  However, what this means is that I show up at an office and begin writing at 9am, and typically don’t stop until 4pm  when it’s time to edit and post news articles on a variety of topics.  For instance, today I wrote about credit card reform, how to decorate your home for a party, what Brangelina did for their Memorial Day, and about a new restaurant in Harrisburg, PA.   Wild.

This typically means that during my free hours, the last thing I want to do is sit down and blog.  But I’m working on it.  Actually, I have to say, this feels pretty good right now.

So hopefully as this job progresses and I get more into the groove of things, I’ll be able to post more.  Until then, enjoy my best friend’s incredible blog that is, in an almost ethereal way, coming out of slumber just as mine is beginning to take a bit of a break.

It’s right here, waiting for you.

This is not goodbye, Arnie.  It’s just a reminder that I am still here, and hope to return to a regular schedule of blogging.  Maybe one short blog a week and a one longer blog a month?  Though I may be being am-bitch-ous with that estimate.  We’ll see.

Anyway, keep your eyes peeled.  I hope to be back here with more words soon!

Friendships with Corporate Persons

The only upside I can see to the Supreme Court’s recent decision to allow corporations to fund political campaigns is the phrase “Corporate Persons”.  Every day American corporations are a humanized by the media and their own advertisements.  It’s flat out weird.  The entire concept of giving a big, scary, money-loving corporation the same rights as me is so bizarre I feel like the world has gone mad(der).  Hey, here’s a question, if corporations get the same rights as individuals, can a boy corporation marry another boy corporation?

Rather than discuss the horrors (or merits as some argue) of this ruling, I think it would be more fun to imagine what my life would be like if I actually had to be friends with the corporations I deal with on a daily basis.  I’m not a big consumer, so lucky for me I wouldn’t have as many corporate person-friends as some others.  But here are the ones I would have, and how I imagine our relationship would go.

Boost Mobile

Yes, I’m an owner of a boost mobile piece of poop cellphone.  As both a poor man and a frequent traveler, it helps not to be tied down to a contract.  I usually have my phone on me, even if I often screen calls.  So Boost Mobile would always be hanging out.

Appearance: I imagine a rather surly, methed-out yokel in their 20s.  Androgynous, spaced out (possibly tripping on some psychedelics that are not safe) but for the most part harmless.

Most Annoying Habit: Boost Mobile friend would be like my secretary.  Now, imagine the person described above trying to relay messages to me.  First, half of the messages I get s/he would keep to him/herself, or reveal them only after they were no longer relevant.  S/he’s even worse at sending out messages.  When I send him/her on a mission to text a friend, s/he often screams the message and pretends it urgent, even if it’s not.  S/he also is fond of putting in words or characters that I did not include in my original message.  And sometimes when I give him/her a task, s/he puts up his/her middle finger at me and goes to sleep.

Best Characteristic: I really can’t think of one, other than without Boost Mobile people would have a harder time trying to find me.  Boost Mobile would have no games, no style, no personality and no ability to troubleshoot him/herself.

Boost Mobile’s Twitter: WHERE U AT *3943* URGENT MESSAGE USER CANNOT BE REACHED WTF OMG LOL

Apple

I may as well be surgically attached to my iPod touch and my MacBook.  Because I work inside the internet, my old and tired laptop is my livelihood.  When not hunched over like an ape editing, I am probably walking or biking somewhere and listening to my iPod.  Even when I’m on the toilet I do crossword puzzles on my iPod.  Lovely image right?

Appearance: I think Apple would probably be a sort of sexy, nerdy, smug…oh wait.  It’s this guy.

The guy on the right. The guy on the left and I aren't on speaking terms anymore. But I kind of miss him.

Most Annoying Habit: Well, Mac and I have made the poor choice to mix friendship and business.  So half of the time we have a GREAT time hanging out, listening to NPR and chatting with our other friends.  We also have been known to get rather intimate, though it has yet to go beyond watching porn together.  But, on the flipside, he can be really slow and irritable.  He also is great at distracting me from actually producing any actual work.

Best Characteristic: He’s a know-it-all, and acts like he better than me.  He’s incredibly smart, but he’s very secretive about where he gets his information.  All-in-all a mostly OK guy.

Apple’s Twitter: I command my followers to be really annoying about the iPad.

The Salvation Army

I try not to buy too many clothes; I prefer comfy and familiar clothes that I can pack up quickly to hoards of really stylish stuff.  Hence I always look “good” but I rarely look “great!”  Most of my clothing comes from human-friends or second-hand corporate-friends that deal in as The Salvation Army.

Appearance:  Dumpy, possibly insane Christian.  Overbearing in almost every way.  Her style is questionable, and perhaps unsafe.  Her hair is a mess.

Most Annoying Habit: It’s a tie between her unmistakably terrible odor (my mom says it’s the smell of humanity) and the fact that I know she witnesses for Christ and hates gay people when we’re not hanging out together.

Best Characteristic: She gives almost constant fashion advice.  %99.9 is so far off the mark that I usually just laugh at her.  Like that time she suggest I wear pleated 49 waist pants and a floral blouse.  But occasionally she gets something right, and comes up with a sweet t-shirt or a surprising pair of jeans.

The Salvation Army’s Twitter:  YELLOW TAG- 10% OFF, BLUE TAG- %50 OFF, ORANGE TAG- SOILED

LL BEAN

Though most of my everyday clothing is second hand, I have 3 essential items that all come from the great Maine icon LL Bean: My amazingly light, warm, green and frumpy winter coat, my amazingly light, warm, purpleish-gray and frumpy winter boots, and my used LL Bean bright blue backpack with the name “Arjun” inscribed on it from a previous owner.

Appearance: Definitely a true Mainer, but one of the better looking ones (if there is such a thing).  Fit but sturdy, reserved but practical, and probably staring down at me disapprovingly from a sailboat.

Most Annoying Habit: Sweatshop labor.

Best Characteristic: Definitely makes sure I’m warm and comfy.  Not as concerned with style, but it won’t let me leave the house without a snuggly outfit.  Actually, this kinda sounds like my mom…

LL Bean’s Twitter: This sleeping bag is also a hiking stick, shoe insert, fishing pole, hat and water bottle.

SallieMae

Oh the sordid, twisted web of a relationship I have with my primary loan agency, SallieMae.  Basically my college forced me to use this evil organization (instead of other more responsible loan companies) to pay for my obscenely expensive college education.  I’ll be paying off SallieMae for the rest of recorded time.

Appearance: A big, fat man in a pin stripe suit with a cigar in his mouth laughing evilly, mixed with a really unhelpful woman with a Florida accent wearing a headset who refuses to speak proper English or make compromises.

Worst Habit:  SallieMae is the worst friend ever.  She waits until I get paid for working, then she takes all of the money to her house and sits on it.  She’s one of those friends who has too much money, but still requires more and refuses to share any.  She’s constantly suggesting that I may have made a big mistake, despite my insistence that she shut the fuck up.  She’s also constantly screwing over a bunch of my friends.  She comes from a family of companies, many of whom are awful, some of whom are OK, but none who are as evil and sick as Sallie.

Best Characteristics: She paid for my life in college.  However, she constantly rubs this fact in my face, and when I compare her to some of her international brothers and sisters I just want to kick her in the genitals.

SalliMae’s Twitter: GIVE ME UR FIRST BORN CHILD 2MORROW OR ELSE.

Liam TXTs Scott Brown

Ok, first of all, I have to get something off my chest.  Suppose Martha Coakley had a photograph easily googled that was equivilent to this:

How much more would she have lost by?  How would the media have treated it?  What would Sarah Palin say?

I was a resident of Boston for four years.  I got to live there and watch Duval Patrick get voted into office, and to watch Kerry lose everything.  Though I can’t say much about Ohio’s politics, I’m glad I’m living in Columbus now, rather than in the zombie city of Boston.  Once again, I have been let down by my native New England.  First Maine, “The Way Life Shouldn’t Be” state, voted to take away my rights to marry the one I love.  Now Massachusetts is trying to see to it that even though I work full time for education, I should have to pay out of my measly educator’s salary if someone hits me while riding my bicycle.  Perhaps I should quit my job and work for Target to get health insurance.  After all, America is all about letting corporations fund things that they should have nothing to do with.

Though, in my rage, I couldn’t resist sending a text to my friend Sen. Scott Brown, after seeing his above photo.

So here it is, my text conversation with Mr. Brown:

Liam:  WOAH!  Scorching Picz Mr. B!

Brownie:  I’m going to assume you are talking about my daughters, who are most definitely suited for marriage.

Liam:  I’m talking about you, u sexy thing.  I know there’s something behind that hand. 😛

Brownie:  R u a homo?

Liam:  Tut tut!  You’re leading Massachusetts now.  Can’t be saying thingz like that.

Brownie:  Right.  Gotta love the queers now.

Liam:  Almost there.  Still offensive.

Brownie:  Sry.

Liam:  So you really gonna guilloutine health care for the poor?

Brownie:  You mean health care for the lazy?  Yes.

Liam:  Cold man.  Cold and out of touch.

Martha Coakley:  Shhhh…you’ll wake him from his self-comforting, voluntary blindness.

Brownie:  …

Liam:  Take a seat.  Both of you.

Liam Txts KIM JONG-IL (and otherz)

I sent a few txts to my friend Kimmy after I heard he released those two journalists with the help of the Clintons.  Here’s our conversation.

LIAM:  Thx for understanding about L & E!

ALMIGHTY KJL:  No prob.  Ur Clinton man apologized.

LIAM:  That’s not what i heard.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  HE APOLOGIZED FOR EVERYTHING

LIAM:  Hill said he didn’t.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  She is a disrespectful beast woman.  ALL PRAISE FATHER KIM-IL SU

ALMIGHTY KJL:  NG 😉

LIAM:  Ur weird.  How u feelin’?

ALMIGHTY KJL:  IMMORTAL

LIAM:  mmmk.  Also not what I heard.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  U hear wrong!  All the time!

LIAM:  Just reading the news.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  U watch Korean Central News Agency?

LIAM:  Um, no.  NPR

ALMIGHTY KJL:  THEN U HEAR WRONG PRAISE KIM I

LIAM:  l-sung.  I know.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  I SENTENCE YOU TO 200 YEARS HARD LABOR

LIAM:  No u don’t.  Ur just mad cuz ur dying.

SLICK WILLY:  He’s seriuz.  Watch out.

LIAM:  Bill!  How are you in on this txt?

SLICK WILLY:  NSA BITCH!  THANKS GWB!

GEORGY DUBZ: HAY HAY!  PATRIUT AKT!

LIAM:  Politicianz…yikes

ALMIGHTY KJL:  ALL PRIAZE FATHER GOD KIM IL SUNG

GEORGY DUBZ:  lolz yeah

SLICK WILLY:  lolz

LIAM:  WTF

Twitter Spam

Just a quick little blurble.

I don’t quite understand the joys of twitter that so many have found, but I am learning.  But one thing about twitter that I find very amusing are the twitter spammers.  (Can we call them Spitters?)  I’m not sure what their intention is, possibly to add viruses to twittiots (I’m on a roll) who click on their links.  Or maybe it’s just to spread chaos.  I’m hoping for the latter.

Anyway, LeannBauer tried to follow me on twitter today.  She looks like a classic moss (see definition 3), and she was currently tweeting about how she “needed an older men who knew how to f*** me right”.  I don’t think she knows me very well.

Anyway, I noticed that though Leann was following 292 people, there were 2 people following her tweets.  I was thinking, who would be silly enough to do that, and then I looked and saw that it was 2 OTHER SPAMMERS!  Wow!  There’s something very funny, and slightly poetic about all of these fictitious girls looking for sex out there, just hollowly tweeting at each other in cyberspace…

By the way, if you’re not looking for an older man, feel free to follow my tweets here.