Category Archives: Liam Txts

Liam TXTS BP

Look at that, one day after I said I wasn’t going to be blogging as much I feel like posting a blog.  Maybe I just needed to get back into my groove-thang.

Usually I give a little background on the person who sent me a post-worthy text, but I think we are all a little too familiar with BP and his shennanigans regarding a teeny-tiny oil spill.   Just look at this text.

BPizzle:  FML

LIAM:  What now?

BPizzle:  Fucking saw got stuck in the pipe.

LIAM:  😦  Wasn’t it dipped in diamondz?

BPizzle:  Yeah.  I had my own African-child-slaves mine the diamonds too.  😦

LIAM:  You suck.

BPizzle:  Don’t blame me.

LIAM:  Why not??  Itz ur fault.

BPizzle:  Blame Americanz who need oil to run their cars.

LIAM:  Omg, srsly?  I ride a bike.

BPizzle: LOL.  Faggot.

LIAM:  Corporate Satan.

BPizzle:  More like Corporate Santa.  BA-ZING.

LIAM:  No…pretty sure you’re more like Satan.

BPizzle:  Corporate Satin?

LIAM:  How do you figure?

BPizzle:  Have u ever touched an endangered bird covered in oil?  So soft…like satin.

LIAM: OMG

BPizzle:  }:-)

LIAM:  So how are you gonna fix this mess?

BPizzle:  Um…no idea.  Figure the oil will stop on its own eventually.

LIAM:  but…

BPizzle:  I SAID IT WILL STOP ON ITS OWN

Liam TXTs Scott Brown

Ok, first of all, I have to get something off my chest.  Suppose Martha Coakley had a photograph easily googled that was equivilent to this:

How much more would she have lost by?  How would the media have treated it?  What would Sarah Palin say?

I was a resident of Boston for four years.  I got to live there and watch Duval Patrick get voted into office, and to watch Kerry lose everything.  Though I can’t say much about Ohio’s politics, I’m glad I’m living in Columbus now, rather than in the zombie city of Boston.  Once again, I have been let down by my native New England.  First Maine, “The Way Life Shouldn’t Be” state, voted to take away my rights to marry the one I love.  Now Massachusetts is trying to see to it that even though I work full time for education, I should have to pay out of my measly educator’s salary if someone hits me while riding my bicycle.  Perhaps I should quit my job and work for Target to get health insurance.  After all, America is all about letting corporations fund things that they should have nothing to do with.

Though, in my rage, I couldn’t resist sending a text to my friend Sen. Scott Brown, after seeing his above photo.

So here it is, my text conversation with Mr. Brown:

Liam:  WOAH!  Scorching Picz Mr. B!

Brownie:  I’m going to assume you are talking about my daughters, who are most definitely suited for marriage.

Liam:  I’m talking about you, u sexy thing.  I know there’s something behind that hand. 😛

Brownie:  R u a homo?

Liam:  Tut tut!  You’re leading Massachusetts now.  Can’t be saying thingz like that.

Brownie:  Right.  Gotta love the queers now.

Liam:  Almost there.  Still offensive.

Brownie:  Sry.

Liam:  So you really gonna guilloutine health care for the poor?

Brownie:  You mean health care for the lazy?  Yes.

Liam:  Cold man.  Cold and out of touch.

Martha Coakley:  Shhhh…you’ll wake him from his self-comforting, voluntary blindness.

Brownie:  …

Liam:  Take a seat.  Both of you.

Liam Txts KIM JONG-IL (and otherz)

I sent a few txts to my friend Kimmy after I heard he released those two journalists with the help of the Clintons.  Here’s our conversation.

LIAM:  Thx for understanding about L & E!

ALMIGHTY KJL:  No prob.  Ur Clinton man apologized.

LIAM:  That’s not what i heard.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  HE APOLOGIZED FOR EVERYTHING

LIAM:  Hill said he didn’t.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  She is a disrespectful beast woman.  ALL PRAISE FATHER KIM-IL SU

ALMIGHTY KJL:  NG 😉

LIAM:  Ur weird.  How u feelin’?

ALMIGHTY KJL:  IMMORTAL

LIAM:  mmmk.  Also not what I heard.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  U hear wrong!  All the time!

LIAM:  Just reading the news.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  U watch Korean Central News Agency?

LIAM:  Um, no.  NPR

ALMIGHTY KJL:  THEN U HEAR WRONG PRAISE KIM I

LIAM:  l-sung.  I know.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  I SENTENCE YOU TO 200 YEARS HARD LABOR

LIAM:  No u don’t.  Ur just mad cuz ur dying.

SLICK WILLY:  He’s seriuz.  Watch out.

LIAM:  Bill!  How are you in on this txt?

SLICK WILLY:  NSA BITCH!  THANKS GWB!

GEORGY DUBZ: HAY HAY!  PATRIUT AKT!

LIAM:  Politicianz…yikes

ALMIGHTY KJL:  ALL PRIAZE FATHER GOD KIM IL SUNG

GEORGY DUBZ:  lolz yeah

SLICK WILLY:  lolz

LIAM:  WTF

Liam TXTS GOV. MARK SANFORD

For those of you who haven’t read the tidbit of newsrotica about Gov. Mark Sanford’s weird tryst in Argentina, check it out here or here or here.  Here is the text message conversation I had with Mark while he was “hiking” with some Argentine lady.

Liam:  Where r u??????

GovMarky:  hikin

Liam:  Liar.  Every1 is freaking out.

GovMarky:  y?

Liam:  Cuz Joel is lying like crazy and no1 knows where u r.  Not even Jenny or the boiz.

GovMarky:  Im fine.

Liam:  If u tell me where you are I won’t tell anyone.  Promise.

GovMarky:  Cross your heart?

Liam:  Yep.

GovMarky:  ill waterboard u if you tell

Liam:  lol its not torture jk

GovMarky:  lol 4 serius

Liam:  k so?  where u at gov?

GovMarky:  Argentina

Liam:  WUT??? Y???

GovMarky:  can’t help it if i luv the latina spices

GovMarky:  :-p

Liam:  Ur cheatin?

GovMarky:  I’m cryin’.  Been cryin’ for 5 dayz.  Comin’ home 2morrow.

Liam:  And after all the grief you gave to Bill C.?  How do you explain yourself?

GovMarky:  don bring that up.  he was a dem.

Liam:  Hippocrite.

GovMarky:  Homo.

GovMarky:  Homocrit.

Liam:  I think u just game up with a term for all those repubs who are screwin dudes and banning gay marr.

GovMarky:  lol at least mine is a lady…

GovMarky:  u wanna grab a beer 2gether when I get back?

Liam TXTS REINA HARDESTY

This is a true story about Reina Hardesty, a 13-year old girl who sent 14,538 TEXT MESSAGES in a month.  It inspired me to write an imagined text message conversation between me and Reina.

~ReInA~:  @ mall

Liam:  What?

~ReInA~: hey were r u?

Liam:  At home as always.  You?

~ReInA~: lolz @ mall

Liam:  Oh.  I think I read about you on the news today.

~ReInA~: lolz oopz

Liam:  Were those all to me?

~ReInA~: Duno

Liam:  I’m impressed.  Clearly I have an adversary.

~ReInA~:  wt

Liam:  You’re not making any sense.

~ReInA~: f

Liam: oh ok.  I see you were trying to type wtf

~ReInA~:  h

Liam:  Never mind.  I never thought I’d say this and mean it, but don’t text me anymore.

~ReInA~:  y?

Liam:  Because you have a problem.  You’re just texting letters at this point.  Maybe try saying something  that has some imp

Liam (page 2):  act.

~ReInA~:  Oh.  I see the error of my wayz.

~ReInA~:  *ways