Tag Archives: Tea Party

Winning The Great Obama Scavenger Hunt

Only to fail to see Obama.

I’m still confused as to exactly why Obama chose Portland, Maine of all places as the final stop on his tour-du-making-healthcare-sound-awesome, but it couldn’t have been better timing.  Obama came into Portland exactly 1 week after my exodus out of Ohio.  His trip was a surprise to almost the entire state (which isn’t saying much), and it was announced that you could get free tickets only 48 hours before he arrived.  This meant that you had to wait outside in the rain; some people started waiting at midnight the night before.  For Liam, this meant that I wouldn’t get to see Obama.  It wasn’t worth it.  But then, my mom saw this advertisement on craigslist at 4:00pm the day before Obama was to speak:


I burst out of my room, and my mom started microwaving a piece of bacon.  We had toothpicks, and I had some Argentinian pesos in my bag left there from my recent trip.  Mom snapped a pic of herself on her cell phone (since mine has no camera), and I grabbed Fiskadoro, a good book I was willing to give up.  I conjured up my favorite funny joke, which you’ll have to send an email to me to hear.  (A good way to get my email address is to subscribe to my blog, above and to the right.)  Unfortunately, I hate sports, and therefore didn’t even know that The Raiders were a team.  Fortunately, my neighbors are big sports fans, and happened to have an Oakland Raiders Christmas Ornament that they lent me.  Then I wrote the following haiku:

A Scavenger Hunt

Hard for a Football Hater

Good Thing I Write Poems

Then we were off.  We raced to Gritty McDuff’s, a pretty typical (and therefore pretty sweet) Portland bar.  I got there and asked the bartender if anyone had come in asking about a scavenger hunt.  She said no, but that she witnessed that I was first.  Then I sat at the bar, had a beer, and proceeded to call several people and talk loudly on my cell phone about what I was doing.  Little did I know, the orchestrator of the hunt was sitting right behind me.  At exactly 5:00pm I turn around to see him waving a ticket at me.  He’s with 3 friends, all of whom are smiling and invited me over.  I brought a shot of tequila, told my joke, and sat down to finish my beer with them.

The guy told me that he got the extra ticket to give to a friend, who subsequently couldn’t go.  His first idea was to give the ticket to the last guy in line, but apparently that guy was a total dick, so he decided to do something more fun.  He said he came up with the list quickly, off the top of his head, which explains the randomness of it.  Obviously, the guy and his friends were pretty cool, and I wish I could have stayed longer to get to know them better.  But my mom was idling outside, and I hat my ticket in my hot little hand.  I was going to go see Obama!

Or so I thought.

The next day, I rode my bike to the Portland Expo like a good socialist democrat global citizen.  The line to see Obama was ENORMOUS, stretching around several blocks.  I walked to the end of the line, and waited excitedly while reading a book.  The people around me were jovial and varied widely in age (though not in race, this was Maine after all).  People were peaceful and quiet, and chatted anxiously about the impending speech.  Rumors in the form of tweets were flying around about whether or not they were going to be able to fit everyone in the Expo.  The line was moving at the speed of smell, and there was some belief that they had overbooked the place.  There were 4,500 tickets sold.

Still, I held up faith.  A girl in front of me was tweeting at the rate of 8,000 tweets a second, and was constantly updating us that things were getting fuller inside the Expo.  Finally, after 2 hours of waiting, when I was about 200 feet from the door of the Expo, the line came to a halt.  Soon we heard cheering from the crowd in front of us, and that’s when I knew it was too late.  In minutes people were getting texts and tweets that Obama was on stage, speaking, and that no one else was getting in.  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!

But I don’t get upset for long, as a rule.  So I calmly walked away, thankful that it was such a nice day, and only slightly irked that no one had the gall to come out and tell the approximately 1300 people still in line that they weren’t getting in.  (Ok, I’m still a little upset).  But I made the best of it, and decided to go take a stroll through the protesters that were standing across the street.

They were a strange menagerie.  The unfortunate thing about being a protestor, no matter how sane and logical you are, is that there will inevitably be some total wackos corralled into the same space as you.  So even next to the people who were legitimately only upset about their taxes, there were some signs proclaiming that 9/11 was a hoax, and some other nutties screaming into a microphone about Jesus coming back.

The crowd was creative.  There was a man playing a banjo and singing songs about “the Obama-nation”, which is a witty play on words that I’ve heard of many times before.  There were old ladies dressed completely in American Flag print with signs that had Tea-Bags attached to them.  There was one sign that I found intriguing that said “End Warfare Before Healthcare”.  Talk about a non-conformist.  Then there were the signs that made a little less sense.  One said “Obama Youre a Lier”.  For shame.  Another said “HEY DEMS!  THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY”, which I found shocking.  No Tooth Fairy?  Malarky.

I decided I was going to work up the courage and speak to a Tea Party activist, to see if I could get any more information from them.  I scanned the crowd for the person that was most clearly (loudly) linking themselves to the movement.  And then I saw her.  A 3-cornered hat, a frilly shirt, a velvet blue jacket, pantaloons, tights, buckle shoes and a chunky cellphone in an exterior leather case clipped to her belt.  Was I seeing a tour guide on the Freedom Trail?  Alas, no, it was a Tea Partier.

Along These Lines

I have to admit, I stalked her for a little while before I had the courage to talk to her.  She was intimidating, because she so clearly was differently-minded from myself.  I wanted to calm myself, and get to a place where I could ask her objective, non-accusatory questions.  It took a while to reduce my pre-judgement, but finally I was able to say, “Excuse me, can I ask you a few questions?”

The woman had on large sunglasses, so it was hard to tell if she was looking at me.  That, and she also kept turning away from me even when she was in mid-sentence.  I tried hard to be objective and understanding, but she made it hard.  I forgot to bring my tape recorder, so I have tried to recreate the conversation here:

Me:  Can I ask you a few questions.

Her:  Uh…sure.

Me:  Are you a member of the Tea Party movement?

Her:  Uh…yes.

Me:  Can I ask you what that means to you?

Her:  The constitution.

Me:  The constitution?

Her:  Yep.

Me:  What about the constitution?  Can you elaborate?

Her:  Uh…upholding the constitution.

At this point a rather surly older woman turned around and spoke to me angrily.

Surly Woman:  We want ALL the socialists out of office NOW.

First Woman:  Yeah!

Me:  Who do you view are these socialists?

First Woman:  Uh…Barack Obama.  Nancy Pelosi.

Me:  Thank you.

I would have stayed longer but I felt as thought my brain might fall out of my rectum.  I want so badly to hear someone articulate clearly and concisely what the Tea Party movement is all about.  Anyone out there have someone who might be able to explain it to me more clearly?  I would love to conduct a serious, open-minded interview.

Take This Tea Bag and Shove It!

5 Reasons Tea Partiers Baggers are Nothing to Fear

Woah, I think I got a little drunk off this blog, that’s how long it’s just been sitting here.  Sorry for the long, awkward pause between posts.  For those of you who don’t know, I’ve spent the last 9 months trapped not in a sleep study, but in the state of Ohio.  I moved there for what was meant to be 2 months of curiosity, and ended up there for 9 months of unemployed, land-locked, offensive confusion.  However, I’ve escaped!  I left Ohio on Tuesday, March 23rd, and now sit comfortably in my room in the great coastal state of Maine, awaiting a move to Boston in the coming months.

So, as a special treat for having not written for so long, I’m going to chime in a topic that is one of my favorite talking points:  The Tea Party Movement Mess.

Before I get into that though, let me make a quick plug.  If you like this blog, there’s a way to subscribe to it so that you’ll get a cute little e-mail every time I post.   Just look to the right.  Thanks, sorry.

Ok.  Anyway, the day before I left Ohio, I was turned on to this video, which takes place in the very city where I was living:

Lovely, Ohio.  Way to mock a crippled person and tell him to go to work.  So sad I’m not living in Columbus anymore.  (Disclaimer:  I did meet an awesome group of people in Columbus, who are just as dissatisfied with the scoundrels there as I am).  Despite the fact that the size of the Tea Party movement is relatively small, some people and news corporations insist on pretending like the Tea Party Movement is a legitimate threat.  So, just for you Glenn Beck, I’m going to list the 5 reasons why we shouldn’t be afraid of the Big, Bad, Tea Party.

1.  The Tea Party Fails at Branding

In a country where marketing is everything, the Tea Party movement fails at branding themselves.  If you want to be successful in America, you have to sell yourself through an interesting or at least noticeably annoying brand.  The Tea Party fails to do this, probably because most of them are dummies.  Let’s look at some of the problems with their image.

  • Tea Bagging, which is just a small step from the Tea Party’s central phrase, is a euphemism for the act of a man dipping his sweaty testicles into the mouth of another person repeatedly, much like I dip my Red Rooibus Tea Bag into my mug.  Though I respect that it does kind of feel like I’m getting Tea Bagged every time I see one of these fools on TV, I don’t think this is the image they were going for.

I'm Sad About Your Fail

  • A Tea Bag is one of the least threatening symbols.  I know that you’re all for emulating the guys that dressed up as Injuns and created ecological terrorism and wasteful use of resources by dumping tea bags into the Boston Harbor.  But somehow that image is lost when I see people on fox news shaking a packet of Lipton threateningly.  What are you going to do, steep me to death?  Furthermore, let’s not forget that the two images conjured up by “Tea Parties” are little girls with teddy bears, and Johnny Depp with orange hair.  Not scary.  If you want a frightening image that resembles tea, how about scalding hot water?  Actually, I guess a Tea Bag is actually more scary than the group’s original theme, which was, believe it or not, pork.  Like Pork Barrel Spending and Ear Marks.  This was coined by Rush Limbaugh, who I already pointed out in an earlier post, looks much too much like a piggy to make such references.

    Tastes Like McDonald's and the Blood of Iraqis

2.  The Tea Party Folks Won’t Fill Out Their Census

Ok, certainly some Tea Baggers are smart enough to fill out their Census forms.  However, there are several websites and prominent tea bagging leaders such as Rep. Michelle CrazyFace Bachmann who are advocating a 2010 Census Boycott.  You know what I say to that?  GREAT!  Don’t fill it out.  That way, when it comes time to dole out that precious tax money they care so much about, their states and localities will get less money.

The reasons that the Nut Suckers list for not wanting to fill out the census are rather…well…nutso, as shown by this crazy mess:

1. Obama and the entire Democrat Party support the Census, which is sufficient cause for suspicion among Tea Party activists on all other issues.

2. Many libertarians believe the Census should not be under government control, not just because it is bona fide socialism, but also because, unlike private industry, government is inept. Who knows what mistakes the government has made in censuses over the past two centuries? Libertarians believe the Census should be outsourced to a private company with experience collecting data, like Equifax, Experian or other credit reporting companies, which hardly ever make mistakes.

3. According to World Net Daily, the popular conservative news site, Obama seized control of the Census from the Commerce Department within weeks after he assumed the presidency. The fact that the 2010 Census will be taken under the direction of the Obama White House worries Rep. Bachmann, who has raised concerns that Americans’ personal data could end up in the hands of ACORN. What ACORN might do with it is anyone’s guess.

4. Bachmann also pointed out that the government has used Census information in the past to round up Americans and force them into concentration camps. She cited the example of the internment of thousands of patriotic Americans of Japanese descent by FDR’s Democrat socialist government during World War II.

5. The Obama administration has already put patriots on notice that it will fine anyone who refuses to submit to the Census. However, boycott supporters say that if the government can’t round up 20 million illegal aliens, how could it possibly find millions of real Americans who boycott the Census because they choose to exercise their rights to be free of government intrusion?

The comments to this posting on The Pensito Review include such gems as suggesting that Obama will be rounding up Christians for death camps, which is funny because the form doesn’t ask for your religion.  In fact, I think many tea baggers may be confused, such as this sadly uninformed man who seems to think there are 53 questions on his census form.  Which is 43 more than most of us filled out, so I can only assume he was filling out sex tips in a Cosmo Magazine or some such nonsense.  Sorry boo, you fail.  What really confuses me and makes me sad is why he thinks that the census asked how many toilets he had in his house.  WHAT DID HE FILL OUT?   Unless he’s just trying to pull the old “Reublican Reach-Around” and make up facts that sound ludicrous to most educated people.

While I’m not really into trusting the government with everything, I don’t really see how they are going to “abuse” the information on the Census, unless they have bombs that will kill only an EXACT number of people per household.  In any event, I encourage the tea-baggers to go ahead and use scare tactics to frighten their dumb-dumb comrades out of filling out the census.  More money for us liberal socialists that way.

Oh, and one last thing.  I have heard a lot of Tea Party activists using the phrase “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION” on their signs and slogans and caps.  Well, if you don’t put yourself on the census then you won’t be represented.  Think, please.

3.  The Leaders of the Tea Party Movement are Butt Heads

Since most republicans, even the really awful ones that send me texts, have distanced themselves from the Tea Party Movement, they have had to latch on to two of the most recognizable icons in mainstream USA:

Sarah "Can't Form a Coherent Sentence" Palin

Glenn "Can't Form a Coherent Thought" Beck

Need I say more?  If either or both of these blithering, low IQ, paranoid, sensationalist, abhorred imbeciles is asked to run up against anyone who passed the 3rd grade and can therefore speak in quasi-full sentence with moderately logical thoughts, the Tea Party is doomed.

4.  Nobody Likes a Racist

Oh, Racism and Violence, you’re always a winning combination for American political movements.  Oh wait, no you’re not.  That’s why everyone is trying to get away from the Tea Baggers who make racial or otherwise offensive slurs.  What slurs you ask?  Well, Joan Walsh sums it up pretty well over at salon.com, saying:

  • Civil rights hero Rep. John Lewis was taunted by tea partiers who chanted “nigger” at least 15 times, according to the Associated Press (we are not cleaning up language and using “the N-word” here because it’s really important to understand what was said.) First reported on The Hill blog (no hotbed of left-wing fervor), the stories of Lewis being called “nigger” were confirmed by Lewis spokeswoman Brenda Jones and Democratic Rep. Andre Carson, who was walking with Lewis. “It was like going into the time machine with John Lewis,” said Carson, a former police officer. “He said it reminded him of another time.”
  • Another Congressional Black Caucus leader, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, was spat upon by protesters. The culprit was arrested, but Cleaver declined to press charges.
  • House Majority Whip James Clybourn told reporters: “I heard people saying things today that I have not heard since March 15, 1960, when I was marching to try to get off the back of the bus.”
  • There were many reports that Rep. Barney Frank was called a “faggot” by protesters, but the one I saw personally was by CNN’s Dana Bash, who seemed rattled by the tea party fury. Frank told AP: “It’s a mob mentality that doesn’t work politically.”
  • Meanwhile, a brick came through the window at Rep. Louise Slaughter’s Niagara Falls office on Saturday (the day she argued for her “Slaughter solution” to pass health care reform, though it was rejected by other Democrats on the House Rules Committee).

Ah, nothing like the old “N n’ F” words to make people back away slowly.  Couple this with horrific violent imagery from none other than Scary Palin herself, who said in a recent speech to March Madness Basket Ball Teams:

The crossfire is intense, so penetrate through enemy territory by bombing through the press, and use your strong weapons — your Big Guns — to drive to the hole. Shoot with accuracy; aim high and remember it takes blood, sweat and tears to win.


5.  The Tea Party Has No Plan

As far as I can tell, the Tea Party’s main desire is less government control via. less taxation.  This is an alright start, but I find that if you have an argument that is entirely negative, you need a positive counter argument.  For instance:  I don’t want to go to work, but I do want a foot massage.

However, you’d be hard pressed to find an average Tea-Bagger who had any idea of what they want after they have taken the President out of office and slimmed down the government.  You can scour the official Tea Party Website, but you will not find much in the way of concrete plans of action to carry out a revolution, or to clean up after one.   You can read online forums on it, but those that respond in favor of the Tea Party Movement have a lot to say about justice and government, and little to say about action.

So what do they want?  I’m not sure they know.  And that makes me wonder if all of their rage and aggression is actually about being taxed for health care or having their guns controlled or feeling stepped on by the government, or really just an empty, echo chamber of hostile mob mentality.

Racism, Lack of Leadership, Violence, Failure to Market, Self-Imposed Misrepresentation, and General Dumb-Dumbiness.  Sounds like a delicious recipe for total failure, which I am enjoying watching.  Keep up the bad work!

If anyone has any counter-arguments, or points that I missed, add them in my comments, you socialist, America hating, Government Worshiping asswipes.