The Military is So Gay

My counter-arguments for the dumb supporters of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Please let us kill people.

America has been so enraptured with the movement to allow gays to marry those that they love, that it came as a sort of “Oh yea, I remember that” moment when Obama brought up gays in the military in his State of the Union address.  Of course, no mention of gay marriage was made in the speech.  Personally I’d rather get married than kill Iraqis, but that’s just me.

Even though I’m a peace-nick, I of course believe that gays should be allowed to kill, KILL, KILL just like our heterosexual brethren.  As I said in an earlier post, there is a simple formula for figuring out why gay people want something from society.  Ask yourself, “Do straight people enjoy this right?”  If you answer yes, then gay people want to be able to do it too.  Therefore, since straight folks are allowed to murder people who disagree with the US, gay people should be allowed to do so as well.  Furthermore, we ought to be able to do it as an openly gay people, because, well we are gay.

Even though it’s clear as crystal to me and most smart people, including the top military commander and the godforsaken President of the United states, there are still some dumb-dumbs (John McCain, I’m looking at you) who don’t get it.  So, for those who don’t, I’m going to tackle some of their idgit arguments right now.  Here we go.

First, let’s start with the stereotypes, as those are some of the most common dumb-dumb arguments.  I can’t believe I still have to debunk these things, but…

Gays are Wimps

Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m kind of a wuss sometimes.  I don’t like dogeball, so I’m afraid I wouldn’t make a good soldier.  However, the same could be said for my heterosexual father (though he probably likes dodgeball, the man literally is unable to kill a fly).  Basically, if you are making this argument, you don’t think you know any gay people.  You see the Jacks and Wills on TV, and you assume that if you ever encountered a gay in the wild he would be lisping and sparkling like a vampire.  I say think because everyone who knows more than 14 people knows a gay person.  If you think all gays are wimps, that means the gay people you know are probably self-hating, in denial, or simply too angry at you to share who they really are.  But aside from this, it also means that they must be pretty masculine.  So, this logic, like all logic behind stereotypes, is fatally flawed.  As this article succinctly puts it, “like heterosexuals, gays and lesbians range across a broad spectrum from weak to strong, from sexually passive to sexually predatory, from very feminine to very masculine.”

Also, need I mention that this argument doesn’t cover lesbians, who, if unleashed, could conquer the Middle East with little more than a machete?

Gays are Sexual Predators

This one is funny.  I’ve heard this argument go two ways.

First, gay people will be distracted by their sexy, sexy fellow soldiers on the front lines.  Even with bullets whizzing by their heads, gay dudes will spring a boner with all that sweat and flexing muscle.  Though I don’t have any personal experience in battle, I do know that I rarely get horny when I’m afraid for my life.  I don’t think that anyone, gay or straight, would ignore impending death because they were horny.  And furthermore, are straight dudes so able to suppress their arousal that they aren’t turned on by the female soldiers fighting by their side?  I doubt it.

Secondly, people fear that gays will hit on or rape their heterosexual fellow officers.  I want to point out, before I go on, that rape wouldn’t be a new thing in the military.  So enough with the double standards, straight people.

It’s been a nice little fantasy for straight people that all gay men are so turned on by straight guys that they can’t control themselves.  I’ve met many-a straight man that believes I’m drooling over him whenever he turns his back.  To be honest, straight men, a lot of you are just gross.  See below.

A really gross straight man.

I’ll admit, however, that there are some straight men out there that get my juices flowing.  I have no doubt there’s quite a few in the military.  However, most gay people, after going through many difficult years  of being harrassed or abused for doing nothing other than walking down the street, know now that hitting on a straight man is a BAD idea.  Especially when they have a gun at hand.  So this argument is irrational and, if I can be so bold, egotistical.

Gays Will Disrupt Unit Cohesion

I’m going to try and avoid all of the good jokes I could make about the phrase “unit cohesion”.    The idea here is that gay people will somehow cause the togetherness of military groups to fracture.  My first argument is that military training, with the shaving of heads and the degrading language, is designed solely to create unity among soldiers.  Assuming that gays are put through the same thing, they too will become unified with their fellow fighters.  Secondly, after scouring the internet for an answer, I can’t find anyone who can explain exactly why gay people specifically would cause disruption.  So, once again, this is an invalid claim.

Gay People Would Be Harassed by Homophobic Persons

This is the most well-meaning dumb-dumb argument, but it’s still flawed.  I have no doubt that the military is full of homophobic people.  I’m sure a small number of those homophobic people might act out on their craziness and hurt or kill a gay member of their platoon.  So, here’s a simple solution.  Ban homophobic people from the military.  It would be more cost efficient and save more man power.

How would we scan for homophobic people?  Well, studies show that homphobic men’s penises grow in circumference when they view gay porn.  So we’ll just show all soldiers who claim to be straight coming into the army some xtube.com videos and if their penis grows, then they don’t get to fight.

Of course I’m kidding, that would be strange and impractical.  However, suppose we aggressively and actively sought out and eliminated instances of homophobia in the military.  Couple that with education about equality and support during recruitment and training, and I think the unity of our armed forces would increase.  So suck on that, John McCain.

Friendships with Corporate Persons

The only upside I can see to the Supreme Court’s recent decision to allow corporations to fund political campaigns is the phrase “Corporate Persons”.  Every day American corporations are a humanized by the media and their own advertisements.  It’s flat out weird.  The entire concept of giving a big, scary, money-loving corporation the same rights as me is so bizarre I feel like the world has gone mad(der).  Hey, here’s a question, if corporations get the same rights as individuals, can a boy corporation marry another boy corporation?

Rather than discuss the horrors (or merits as some argue) of this ruling, I think it would be more fun to imagine what my life would be like if I actually had to be friends with the corporations I deal with on a daily basis.  I’m not a big consumer, so lucky for me I wouldn’t have as many corporate person-friends as some others.  But here are the ones I would have, and how I imagine our relationship would go.

Boost Mobile

Yes, I’m an owner of a boost mobile piece of poop cellphone.  As both a poor man and a frequent traveler, it helps not to be tied down to a contract.  I usually have my phone on me, even if I often screen calls.  So Boost Mobile would always be hanging out.

Appearance: I imagine a rather surly, methed-out yokel in their 20s.  Androgynous, spaced out (possibly tripping on some psychedelics that are not safe) but for the most part harmless.

Most Annoying Habit: Boost Mobile friend would be like my secretary.  Now, imagine the person described above trying to relay messages to me.  First, half of the messages I get s/he would keep to him/herself, or reveal them only after they were no longer relevant.  S/he’s even worse at sending out messages.  When I send him/her on a mission to text a friend, s/he often screams the message and pretends it urgent, even if it’s not.  S/he also is fond of putting in words or characters that I did not include in my original message.  And sometimes when I give him/her a task, s/he puts up his/her middle finger at me and goes to sleep.

Best Characteristic: I really can’t think of one, other than without Boost Mobile people would have a harder time trying to find me.  Boost Mobile would have no games, no style, no personality and no ability to troubleshoot him/herself.

Boost Mobile’s Twitter: WHERE U AT *3943* URGENT MESSAGE USER CANNOT BE REACHED WTF OMG LOL

Apple

I may as well be surgically attached to my iPod touch and my MacBook.  Because I work inside the internet, my old and tired laptop is my livelihood.  When not hunched over like an ape editing, I am probably walking or biking somewhere and listening to my iPod.  Even when I’m on the toilet I do crossword puzzles on my iPod.  Lovely image right?

Appearance: I think Apple would probably be a sort of sexy, nerdy, smug…oh wait.  It’s this guy.

The guy on the right. The guy on the left and I aren't on speaking terms anymore. But I kind of miss him.

Most Annoying Habit: Well, Mac and I have made the poor choice to mix friendship and business.  So half of the time we have a GREAT time hanging out, listening to NPR and chatting with our other friends.  We also have been known to get rather intimate, though it has yet to go beyond watching porn together.  But, on the flipside, he can be really slow and irritable.  He also is great at distracting me from actually producing any actual work.

Best Characteristic: He’s a know-it-all, and acts like he better than me.  He’s incredibly smart, but he’s very secretive about where he gets his information.  All-in-all a mostly OK guy.

Apple’s Twitter: I command my followers to be really annoying about the iPad.

The Salvation Army

I try not to buy too many clothes; I prefer comfy and familiar clothes that I can pack up quickly to hoards of really stylish stuff.  Hence I always look “good” but I rarely look “great!”  Most of my clothing comes from human-friends or second-hand corporate-friends that deal in as The Salvation Army.

Appearance:  Dumpy, possibly insane Christian.  Overbearing in almost every way.  Her style is questionable, and perhaps unsafe.  Her hair is a mess.

Most Annoying Habit: It’s a tie between her unmistakably terrible odor (my mom says it’s the smell of humanity) and the fact that I know she witnesses for Christ and hates gay people when we’re not hanging out together.

Best Characteristic: She gives almost constant fashion advice.  %99.9 is so far off the mark that I usually just laugh at her.  Like that time she suggest I wear pleated 49 waist pants and a floral blouse.  But occasionally she gets something right, and comes up with a sweet t-shirt or a surprising pair of jeans.

The Salvation Army’s Twitter:  YELLOW TAG- 10% OFF, BLUE TAG- %50 OFF, ORANGE TAG- SOILED

LL BEAN

Though most of my everyday clothing is second hand, I have 3 essential items that all come from the great Maine icon LL Bean: My amazingly light, warm, green and frumpy winter coat, my amazingly light, warm, purpleish-gray and frumpy winter boots, and my used LL Bean bright blue backpack with the name “Arjun” inscribed on it from a previous owner.

Appearance: Definitely a true Mainer, but one of the better looking ones (if there is such a thing).  Fit but sturdy, reserved but practical, and probably staring down at me disapprovingly from a sailboat.

Most Annoying Habit: Sweatshop labor.

Best Characteristic: Definitely makes sure I’m warm and comfy.  Not as concerned with style, but it won’t let me leave the house without a snuggly outfit.  Actually, this kinda sounds like my mom…

LL Bean’s Twitter: This sleeping bag is also a hiking stick, shoe insert, fishing pole, hat and water bottle.

SallieMae

Oh the sordid, twisted web of a relationship I have with my primary loan agency, SallieMae.  Basically my college forced me to use this evil organization (instead of other more responsible loan companies) to pay for my obscenely expensive college education.  I’ll be paying off SallieMae for the rest of recorded time.

Appearance: A big, fat man in a pin stripe suit with a cigar in his mouth laughing evilly, mixed with a really unhelpful woman with a Florida accent wearing a headset who refuses to speak proper English or make compromises.

Worst Habit:  SallieMae is the worst friend ever.  She waits until I get paid for working, then she takes all of the money to her house and sits on it.  She’s one of those friends who has too much money, but still requires more and refuses to share any.  She’s constantly suggesting that I may have made a big mistake, despite my insistence that she shut the fuck up.  She’s also constantly screwing over a bunch of my friends.  She comes from a family of companies, many of whom are awful, some of whom are OK, but none who are as evil and sick as Sallie.

Best Characteristics: She paid for my life in college.  However, she constantly rubs this fact in my face, and when I compare her to some of her international brothers and sisters I just want to kick her in the genitals.

SalliMae’s Twitter: GIVE ME UR FIRST BORN CHILD 2MORROW OR ELSE.

Some Questions for You, Ms. IPad

"Someone ran over my iPod touch."

Well, that didn’t take long.  Everyone was expecting Apple to come out with a tablet computer in 2010.  Here we are, 27 days in, and Steve Jobs and his friends are already on stage practically cumming in their own pants about how awesome it is.  And I’m sure that I too will be at least mildly aroused when I see my first one in the flesh (or in the metal, as it were).  It looks pretty freaking sweet.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t have some serious questions about it.

Before I get to far into this, let me give you some of the best links and videos I’ve found while searching through the web like a starving and curious chimp for more information about the iPad.

• The New York Times is of course live blogging the event.   The blog is pretty funny, especially the part when Steve Jobs pulls up the New York Times technology section, and the NYT blogger fears that if he clicks on the live blogging link, the space-time continuum may be destroyed.

• First, click here if you want to learn almost nothing about the iPad, but get a sense of the awkwardly self-masturbatory feel of the press conference where it is being released.

• CNN actually has some of the best videos so far.  I usually hate CNN, mostly because I think they’re mixing up Anderson Cooper with Jesus.  Here’s CNN’s best video so far.  A comprehensive look at the iPad, not to mention a video of a dog on a surfboard(?).

• This advertisement from Apple (it will be a while before we see an opinion of this item that isn’t from its creators), makes the machine look like heaven.

• CNN also has this interesting video hosted by an unsettling woman that gives the history of tablet pcs, which apparently predate me in age.

I’m no stranger to Steve Jobs’ technological wizardry.  I bought my first Mac about 4 years ago in college, and I’m still using it, even to write this blog post right now.  Though my computer is a little wheezy, I have to say this machine has lasted longer (at a high speed) than any other computer I’ve had.  I’m also a big fan of my iPod touch, which I bought after a man made me feel bad about him stealing my old iPod in Chicago.  So, considering my past experience with Macintosh Machinery, I have the following questions about the iPad:

Why in God’s name is it called the iPad?

I my opinion, the word “pad” has its place in the common consciousness, and it’s not with you, Apple.  I don’t want my computer to remind me of feminine hygiene products.  Sorry ladies, but it grosses me out.  I’m not the first one to make this connection:

Furthermore, I think it’s too close to iPod.  When you say iPad it kind of sounds like you made a speecho, which is a phrase my sister coined for when your tongue gets tangled while talking.  I’m wondering, how many people over at Apple sat around a big glossy table or on comfy couches with lattes and brainstormed before they came up with this name.

Are we being locked into a world where there is no Apple Alternative?

Recently my computer, which is full of crap I need for work, informed me that in order to access the iTunes store to download my free NPR podcasts, I had to install the newest version of Safari, Apple’s internet browser.  Beside the fact that I don’t use Safari because it kind of blows, I can’t fit it on my computer’s hard drive.  So, even though I paid for my iPod and laptop, Apple has made it so that I can’t use iTunes to the fullest extent.  It is shameless self promotion.  Judging by the videos of the iPad, this device is pretty heavy into software.  It runs on apple software exclusively; instead of shaping their machine to fit the usages already out there, companies and innovators have to shape their products to fit Apple’s hardware.  So, where does this leave us?  Well, I fear it leaves us with a monopoly of sorts.  It’s not hard to imagine that this computer will not open doors, but limit you to what you’re able to do.  If a company doesn’t conform to Apple standards, then that company has no place in the newest and hottest wave of technology.  Is that right and fair?

Is this a Computer Klutz’s nightmare?

If there are two things I’m good at in life, they are falling down and spilling drinks.  This computer seems like it doesn’t jive with these two skills.  The only reason my laptop has been able to survive for so long is because I can fold it in half, thus protecting its precious innards from my frequent battles with gravity.  The iPad seems like it’s wide open and begging for me to spill any number of sugary drinks all over it.  As a freelance writer, my computer is my lifeline, so I need something durable.  This baby is pretty, but can I fall on top of her twice in one day without buying 2 new iPads?  Fortunately, they do offer a case that covers the iPad, as well as keyboard and dock for upright usage.  Which brings me to my next concern.

What exactly is your definition of “accessory”, Mr. Jobs?

Must have.

Everyone in the media, myself included, is stoked about the price of this machine.  Though apple could charge upwards of $2,000 bucks for this machine, they start at just $499.  That is awesome!  I can afford it!  Of course, I wouldn’t dare to buy the first edition (see below for more on that).  However, what you are paying $499 for is basically an iPod touch that looks like it may have been put through the taffy stretcher.  It’s just like my iPod touch in so many ways, except that it doesn’t fit in my pocket.  No 3G network, no ability to make off the internet phone calls.  Without the ability to slip this puppy into my pocket on a walk, I’m not sure I’d want it.  What Steve Jobs is arguing is that this is not just an iPod touch, but more than that, and more than a laptop too.  Well, in order for it to be more than a laptop, it has to be easy and comfortable to use; this means that it has to sit upright so you don’t have to hunch over like a Neanderthal, and it has to have actual keys for good typing.  Which means you need to buy accessories.  Which means that the $499 price may be a tempting myth.  Which reminds me…

What kind of planned obsolescence does Apple have up its sleeve?

Some of the people I feel it is most justified to laugh at are those who line up early on the first day of the release of a new item.  In a world where technology is only new for 15 seconds, what is so important about being first?  It’s not a sign of pride.  Companies nowadays use a little technique called “planned obsolescence“.   For those who aren’t familiar with the term, you are familiar with its benefits.  This term describes the way in which manufacturers makes a product that, after a certain amount of time or usage, will become useless either because it’s broken or because it’s uncool.  Apple is the biggest offender of this.  That’s why there are so many different kinds of iPods.  So consider this:  The iPad doesn’t have a camera built in.  You can’t take video or pictures.  Do you think it’s because Apple doesn’t have the technology to put a video into the computer?  No, it’s because in about 6 months to a year they will release the iPad 2.0, which will have camera and video technology.  Then all those schmucks who lined up for the first iPad will throw theirs out and line up for the new one.  Then in another year they’ll release an iPad that can play adobe player.

I suggest waiting a year or two.  Then they’ll have everything on the computer that is necessary, and the accessories will be available on amazon.com for a discounted price.

I don’t want to sound too cynical, but I do think it’s dangerous to get too worked up about a product that is essentially a big iPod touch.  Let’s wait and see what happens, ok America?

Liam TXTs Scott Brown

Ok, first of all, I have to get something off my chest.  Suppose Martha Coakley had a photograph easily googled that was equivilent to this:

How much more would she have lost by?  How would the media have treated it?  What would Sarah Palin say?

I was a resident of Boston for four years.  I got to live there and watch Duval Patrick get voted into office, and to watch Kerry lose everything.  Though I can’t say much about Ohio’s politics, I’m glad I’m living in Columbus now, rather than in the zombie city of Boston.  Once again, I have been let down by my native New England.  First Maine, “The Way Life Shouldn’t Be” state, voted to take away my rights to marry the one I love.  Now Massachusetts is trying to see to it that even though I work full time for education, I should have to pay out of my measly educator’s salary if someone hits me while riding my bicycle.  Perhaps I should quit my job and work for Target to get health insurance.  After all, America is all about letting corporations fund things that they should have nothing to do with.

Though, in my rage, I couldn’t resist sending a text to my friend Sen. Scott Brown, after seeing his above photo.

So here it is, my text conversation with Mr. Brown:

Liam:  WOAH!  Scorching Picz Mr. B!

Brownie:  I’m going to assume you are talking about my daughters, who are most definitely suited for marriage.

Liam:  I’m talking about you, u sexy thing.  I know there’s something behind that hand.

Brownie:  R u a homo?

Liam:  Tut tut!  You’re leading Massachusetts now.  Can’t be saying thingz like that.

Brownie:  Right.  Gotta love the queers now.

Liam:  Almost there.  Still offensive.

Brownie:  Sry.

Liam:  So you really gonna guilloutine health care for the poor?

Brownie:  You mean health care for the lazy?  Yes.

Liam:  Cold man.  Cold and out of touch.

Martha Coakley:  Shhhh…you’ll wake him from his self-comforting, voluntary blindness.

Brownie:  …

Liam:  Take a seat.  Both of you.

The 15 Most Influential Books I Read in 2009

Last year was a big reading year for me, primarily because without college I have so much more time to read books that really boggle my brains.  What I like about constantly having a book going is the way the world looks different depending on what your reading.  A book about aliens will make your every day interactions with existence alien-related.  Or black hole related.  Or reincarnation related.

There are some books that I read last year, however, that have stayed in my brain and still color my perception, even though I closed them a while ago.  So, as a sum up of 2009, I present the 15 most influential books I read last year.

15.  A Spot of Bother Mark Haddon

I read this book in one sitting on an 18 hour bus ride.  I had nothing else to do but read, as the scenery out my window was desert and only desert.  So I enveloped myself inside the fun-house mirror world in this book, written by the same guy who wrote the wildly popular The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. The best thing about this book are the characters, who are actually based on you and your family, except slightly more neurotic and idiotic.  Neuridiotic, if you will.  Shifting from the severely limited perspective of the narrator of his last book, the narrator of A Spot of Bother can jump into the heads of each character, even those who are losing their mind.  The family members in the book rip each other to shreds in a slow, sad way.  However, the story had me laughing out loud several times (though I usually found myself cringing only a few pages later.)  It was perfect for a bleak bus ride, and though it didn’t leave too much of a lasting impression, it definitely tinted the whole journey.  Thanks to Caroline for the book!

14. Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom Corey Doctorow

Cory Doctorow is a big fan of the cyber-punk drama.  Judging by the rest of this list, he and I have that in common.  The best thing about this book is the setting.  Almost all of it takes place in the Disney World of the future, which has become the most sacred place on earth; it is a cherished gem of ancient art.  The storyline follows an all out war between the people who manage The Hall of the Presidents and the people who operate The Haunted Mansion.  Additionally, everyone has computers in their brains that allow them to communicate rapidly with one another.  Though it wasn’t the most morally profound book (it is about Disney, after all) it’s a fast read that you won’t be able to put down.  Come to think of it, I read this one in another 18 hour car ride, from Ohio to Connecticut.  You can see why I might have needed a bit of escape.

13.  The History of Love Nicole Krauss

I picked up this book because I am an intense fan of Nicole Krauss’s husband Jonathen Safron Foer, who wrote one of my all time favorite novels Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  You can see why he married the woman who wrote this book.  Like her husband, Nicole Krauss has mastered language and ingenuity.  This book features graphs and charts, and she has no qualms about playing with form.  The story line, like almost all of her hubby’s work, is dreadfully sad but wildly insightful.  Though I don’t want to solely compare her to her husband, I did feel that his books achieve slightly more.  However, this book is very well crafted, and Nicole Krauss will no doubt be out with several more books to twirl the imagination.

12. The Invention of Hugo Cabret Brian Selznick

Man I wish this book had been around when I was a kid!  This was another one-sitting book for me, in the bean bag chair at my library in the kids section, which is where you should read it.  (Though you can go to your own library if they have a bean bag chair).  Talk about mixing genres, Selznick combines words, photographs and incredible drawings, making this semi-non-fictional 500+ page book entirely unique.  The majority of the book is sweeping pencil drawings that zoom in on certain faces or places as you turn the pages.  Here’s an example of some of the artwork you can look forward to:

Brian Selznick has somehow kept his childhood imagination perfectly intact, and has poured it out succinctly and beautifully into these pages.

11.  Generosity:  An Enhancement Richard Powers

This book is one of the most realistic fiction books that incorporates a strong science-fiction theme into its storyline.  Set in a Chicago that isn’t quite Chicago, Richard Powers follows the story of a writing teacher at an arts school (it felt so much like my old college days I thought maybe Powers had been stalking me).  He is depressed and cynical, but his entire life changes when he meets a student who, despite her refugee status, is so naturally and thoroughly ebullient that he can’t resist her charm.  Nor can anyone else who meets her.  The story embarks from there on the scientific research of a happiness gene, and spends the rest of its length discussing the morality of manipulating human genes to make everyone naturally cheerful.  Throughout Powers reflects distorted characters from our reality (think a white, Catholic-Irish Oprah).  It’s profound to the maximum, and I’m desperate to talk about it with more people, so read it.

10.  Fear and Loathing in Lost Vegas Hunter S. Thompson

Though I don’t have many “classics” on my list, this one I couldn’t leave off.  This book holds its place in the popular consciousness because it is so far from anything else out there.  Based on Hunter S. Thompson’s actual experience taking almost every single kind of drug you can imagine (and some you can’t) while covering news stories in Las Vegas.  The book is hysterically funny, and almost painful to read because the characters are so disastrous and risky.  I bought the movie afterward, and have to admit that it is just as good as the book.   Fear and Loathing is known as the ultimate piece of Gonzo journalism, a genre which is all too relevant today.  In fact, one might say that all modern American TV news has morphed into Gonzo Journalism, though how many drugs Nancy Grace is on is still in question.

9.  Devil in a White City Eric Larson

If you couldn’t tell, I’m much more of a fiction reader than non-fiction.  I prefer imagination to fact, but in some cases there are facts that go roguer than Sarah Palin.  In an incredible narrative, Eric Larson tells the story of two men: the architect behind the 1839 Chicago World’s fair, and a serial killer who lived near and preyed on the fair-goers.  These two men never met, but at times were less than a mile from each other.  What is unique about this book is the way Larson weaves these two stories together, using his in depth research and powerful vocabulary to make your heart race.  Though the sections on the World’s Fair’s organization enthralled me (and made me mourn for the fact that the World’s Fair will never happen again, at least not in the magical way it did back then), I was ripping through the pages to find out more about the creepy serial killer.  He designed a hotel around his desire to murder young and impressionable women, and Larson reveals the details of his killings at a sickly fascinating pace.  All of this, and I learned more about mid-1800s America life than I ever thought I would.

8.  As She Climbed Across the Table Jonathen Lethem

How I love thee, Jonathan Lethem.  This book is deliciously bizarre.  It follows the story of a jilted lover, whose physicist girlfriend left him not for a scholar or artist, but for a black hole she created in her laboratory.   The black hole becomes a national interest, and the hilarious cast of characters that interact with the hole and the narrator (including two bumbling blind men and an…unconventional therapist) will make your brain vibrate with joy.  This book takes the mad scientist to a real, possible level without looking back.  This book is a lovely and easy read, but the ending, guaranteed, will shock and mystify you.  If you love the Large Hadron Collider, go get this read ASAP.  Thanks to Matt Starring and Rita for this!

7.   Never Cry Wolf Farly Mowatt

Everything you think you know about wild wolves is wrong.  In a hilarious narrative, Farley Mowatt tells the true story of his journey into the Canadian wilderness to study wolves.  Mowatt himself makes the book worth reading; he is a strange and frighteningly smart man who has no qualms about pissing on rocks and turning in circles before he lays down for a nap, all in the cause of getting to know these animals better.  This book shatters the scary wolf image, and shows that they are nothing more than very smart, very powerful dogs.  I was skeptical about the book when it was first given to me, but within the first 3 pages I couldn’t stop reading, and in fact didn’t stop reading until it was over.  As an added bonus, the book also makes a harrowing call on the side of environmentalism, and concludes with a sad ending about the future of the wolf.  Thanks for this one, April!

6.  Cat’s Cradle Kurt Vonnegut

I’m a little ashamed that it took me so long to read this, as Kurt V. is one of my literary heroes.  I suppose that because people rave about it so much, I was afraid it would either be disappointing or take away from my deep-seated love for Breakfast of Champions.  However, this book is perfect for today.  As usual for Kurt, it’s about war.  But it’s page or so long chapters, as only Kurt can do, peel the skin off warfare and leave its raw, sadly comical innards exposed.  The next time you’re feeling bummed out about Afghanistan, read this book, even if you already have.  I can’t guarantee that it will make you feel better about war, but it will certainly make your thinking more pleasant.

5.  Blindness Jose Saramago

This book fucked me up.  Seriously fucked me up.  You may have seen the movie, which was one of the best adaptations of a book I’ve ever seen.  They put almost everything in the book into the movie, except for 2 quite gruesome and depressing moments.  For those of you that don’t know the premise, this story takes place in a nameless city, where a man is struck blind suddenly while driving.  His blindness turns out to be contagious, and soon everyone begins to lose their sight.  The main character is a woman who seems to be the only person immune to the disease, and for more than half the book she’s living a hellish (and I mean HELLISH) quarantine facility in an abandoned mental hospital.  If the story line isn’t enough, the commentary on humankind is intensely profound.  Add to this that the book makes you feel as if you are going blind (there are almost no periods in the book and not a single character is given a name).  You will be sucked into the white pages and the terrifying, familiar world they describe.

4.  Cloud Atlas David Mitchell

What makes this gem stand out among the others on the list is its construction.  I picked up this book and immediately began to wonder why my teacher had recommended it to me (Thanks P. Shippy).  The storyline took place in the early 1800s, one of my least favorite eras to read about.  The language was confusing, the storyline uninteresting, and then, suddenly, on page 38, the story ended abruptly.  I’m talking mid-sentence.  I almost took the book back to my library and told them they had a bad copy, but after conferring with my partner Rita, I continued to read.  The next story moved on at a slightly better pace, then ended abruptly again.  Then it happened again, and I realized that as these stories went on, I was traveling forward in time.  1800s, 1930s, present day…and then the stories started to move into the future.  A Korean clone manufactured to work at a terrifying version of McDonald’s was next.  After that story ended abruptly, you move on to a post-apocalyptic Hawaii.  Finally, here,  you get the entire story.  It spans the center of the book, and then…you begin to boomerang backward.  You get the rest of the story about the Korean clone next, then back to present day, then on and on until you’re back in the 1800s.  After the first two stories, I couldn’t stop reading.  Each of the complexly crafted accounts, each told in a different format (journal, letter, interview), are connected to the others in a sensual and spiritual way.  To make it simple, this book is hot and intense sex for the brain.

3.  Feed M.T. Anderson

Enter the best Young Adult novel for the modern age.  This book was so influential it inspired me to write an entire blog entry about it.  This book stands among The Giver and Fahrenheit 451 in that it is an essential read for the nerdy adolescent who likes to think too much.  This book forecasts where our times are going, but it does so from one of the scariest perspectives of all time:  the teenager.  American Teens of the Future are so immersed in technology (or perhaps the technology is immersed in them) that they can’t escape it for even an instant.  Marketers have latched on to them, and even at the most tragic moments of pubescence, they can’t avoid having someone suggest that they buy a new rugby shirt.  If technology and marketing continue to grow hand in hand, there is no doubt that the world of Feed will soon be our own.  M.T. Anderson created an entirely new language for the teens in his book, even more realistic and unique than that in A Clockwork Orange.  I also can assure you that you will cry like a baby for the many tragic losses in this book.

2.  Oryx and Crake Margaret Atwood

What can I say about this book besides you have to read it to believe it?  Atwood is known for her storytelling, and this book is no exception.  This may be my favorite post-apocalyptic book of all time.  Atwood covers everything, and hits it all squarely on the head.  The world has been destroyed by a lethal combination of genetic engineering and lust for amorality.  We made the science roller-coaster go way too fast, and almost everyone on the planet was thrown from an incredible hight to their death.  Now you get the story of one of the sole survivors, and the way he slowly reveals the demise of civilization and Earth will chill you to the bone.  Nothing I could write in one paragraph would describe the awe and overpowering feelings I had upon finishing this book, so I’ll stop there.

Bonus:  After you read it, or before if you want, check out this art.  Double Bonus:  Margaret Atwood wrote a sequel to this book!  Joy!

1.  Lilith’s Brood Octavia Butler

This book holds the number one spot because not a single day goes by when I don’t shudder because something in my daily life reminds me of this book (or rather, this trilogy of books).  Octavia Butler loved to write creepy science fiction, and the aliens in this book are the most well thought-out, intriguing and downright disgusting creatures I’ve read about.  The aliens come to save us from ourselves, but their morals, their history, and their ultimate goal is so, well, alien that I’m still confused as to how I feel about them.  I don’t know what happened to Butler to make her write this way, but the central theme and most outrageous part of this book is the way humans mate with the highly intelligent, tentacled aliens.  The sex in the book is beautiful and so utterly disturbing that at times I had to put the book away (and at one point, hide it somewhere where I wouldn’t even see it).  I got so grossed out and intrigued by tentacles (which play a huge part in the sex) that my own arms started to freak me out when I would wash them in the shower.  Of course, the book makes a huge statement about the human race and our own trajectory.  The book is frustrating, disturbing, riveting and of course, so influential that life is never the same afterward.

So that’s it. Those are the books that colored my perception in 2009.  I’m already 2 books into 2010, both of which I expect to be on my list for next year.  If you have read or plan to read one of these gems, feel free to leave a comment.  I am dying to hear what other people thought of these books.

M.T. Anderson’s “Feed” and Us

I recently read Feed by M.T. Anderson.  Since I finished it, it has been stuck in my mind like a microchip.  It’s prediction of the future is barely a prediction; rather, it’s more of a summary of the current state of existence followed by a gentle stretching into the future that is already here.  The story is about a young and sympathetic teenager named Titus living in a world where everyone has a chip in their brain called a Feed.  The book follows Titus as he navigates the sloppy world of teenage friendships and virgin romances, all intensely affected by his and his friends’ Feeds.

The Feed is, on one hand, a Google in your brain.  You can look up words you don’t know in an instant, or, as the narrator of the book argues “Figure out which battles of the Civil War George Washington fought in”.  That’s the kind of things you hear all the time in the book, along with people making fun of each other for using big words.  All of it is written from the perspective of a teenager, and his voice is filled with the uncertainties of teenage language:  “It’s like…um…well…I don’t know it just is.”

The Feed interacts with you in real-time.  As you pass by a store you see advertisements for a sale on rugby shirts, and with just a simple thought you can buy them and have them sent to your house.  It also allows you to chat privately with those around you, even while in a large group.  It is, in essence, a constantly chattering commercial seated permanently in your brain.  It never ceases; even at the most horrific moments of life it will try to sell you blue jeans.

Shopping technology that enhances the experience of able to gossip about your friends right in front of their faces necessitates that this book be a warning call to Young Adults.  It reads The Giver or Fahrenheit 451, but for the modern age, and it deserves a place among these as a giant and essential book for Young Adults.  And by the way, I think that because humans are living longer and longer every year, the Young Adults of the modern age include everyone 36 and under.

Needless to say, I loved the book.  Although M.T. Anderson fills the book with hilarious tidbits (the teenage lingo, for example), everything is singed with sadness about what we have allowed ourselves to become.  The Feed is  only inches away from the bombardment of advertising that we all sludge through every day.  Not to mention, technology is affecting all social relationships in new and unpredictable ways, even for grown-ups.  I can’t stop thinking about The Feed.

Which is why I flipped out when I found this video from TED.com

That’s The Feed!  Right there!  But it’s not so terrifying.  It’s almost beautiful.  I wonder, however, about the scientists behind this and how they see the world.  They have conceived and created this fascinating little piece of future, and it has such pontential to be a world-altering, progress slinging angel.  But, do they not see the advertisers crouching on the sidelines, frothing at the mouth over this?

For instance, consider the moment where Pranav goes to the supermarket and picks up paper towels.  As he has designed it, it would tell you how “economically responsible” the item was.  But, would this really happen?  Wouldn’t the Bounty corporation take over their image and force you to watch an advertisement where someone balances three plastic elephants on a Bounty paper towel…and they DON’T FALL THROUGH!  Buy it!

I want the Pattie Maes and Pranav Mistry world, but I’m afraid the M.T. Anderson’s world will eat it up and spit out the bones.

The other question I must ask:  How long will that chunky machine we carry everywhere just be inserted inside our brains or bodies? How long until, instead of having words projected on a wall, you just see them on the wall.  And what would that mean?  I think we’ll find out, because at this point I think there’s no turning back.

Poll: Do You Want A Micro-Pig?

I read this very strange article today about the new pet-craze for teacup or micro pigs.  Apparently, celebrities as famous as Ron Weasly (I mean Rupert Grint) now have the new breed of super-small pig.  Of course, I was fascinated:

‘It’s amazing how popular they have suddenly become and just how many people want pigs as pets.’

Micro pigs are much smaller than a standard farm pig and weigh 9oz, about the size of a tea cup when they are born.  At two years old they are fully grown and weigh in around 40-65lb and are around knee height at 12-16in tall.  They can live for up to 18 years, but make popular pets as they are low maintenance, quiet and surprisingly clean.

‘Micro pigs make fantastic pets as they are very low maintenance. You don’t have to take them for walks and they have very few health issues,’ said Miss Croft.

‘They don’t make much noise, they are easy to toilet train and once they have bonded with you they are very loving.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1218472/The-700-teacup-sized-pigs-latest-celebrity-pet.html#ixzz0TBsMXCiR

WHAT???? The lady they’re interviewing quit her day job to breed pigs full time!  Now I am extremely torn.  While I do like the idea of having a miniature, adorable and quiet Rush Limbaugh running around my house, I have a few issues with the whole concept.   First of all, the idea of breeding more pigs for pets is a little disturbing.  Don’t we have enough regular pigs as it is?  I would say the same for dogs.  Why are we breeding new dogs when there are so many homeless, sweet, lovable, smart and more interesting mutts out there?

But unlike dogs, we eat pigs.  This is what essentialy sets aside the micro -pig as a pet.  If you fry it, don’t buy it.  Imagine, sittng down to breakfast with little Rush, and chowing down to some delicious reams of bacon and sausage.  What if little Rush wanted a bite?  What if he just wanted to lick the delicious grease from your chubby fingers?  Would you be able to resist feeding that adorable little face a piece of its own brethren?  Maybe.  Maybe not. It’s too close for comfort.

Anyway, I made the mistake of seraching youtube for videos of the pigs and I found this unsettling mess:

That creeps me out.  No micro pig for me.  Except, in my research of micro pigs, I also saw this fellow

Since I don’t eat hippo, (at least not yet), perhaps I would settle for a baby pygmy hippo pet.  So what do you think?  Do you want a micro pig?

Answering Gay Google Suggestions

Since the omnipotent Google started creepily cataloging what people have been asking the search engine, another strange and sagging underbelly of the internet population has been revealed.  If you don’t know what “google suggestions” are, allow the Google Giant to explain it for itself:

As you type into the search box on Google Web Search, Google Suggest offers searches similar to the one you’re typing. Start to type [ new york ] — even just [ new y ] — and you’ll be able to pick searches for New York City, New York Times, and New York University (to name just a few). Type some more, and you may see a link straight to the site Google thinks you’re looking for — all from the search box.

Their explanation sounds nice, but even Google must have known that most people aren’t asking the Almighty Internet about NYT or NYU.  They’re asking what it means when you’re poop is green, why women don’t get pregnant every time they have sex, and whether or not it’s legal to marry your widow’s sister.  Bloggers have been making lots of lists of some of the stranger things suggested by Google.  When I read these lists, it sets my mind off on many different, dizzying paths.  Sometimes they read like instructions, for instance these three questions are grouped together:

• How to write a resume?
• How to make money?
• How to write a cover letter?

Other times it’s like poetry, like this one for the lost sailor:

Why is the sky blue?
Why is the ocean salty?
Why is the ocean blue?
Why is the sea salty?
Why is the moon red?
Why is the sea blue?

Why is the rum gone?

Why is the earth round?

Sometimes they drive me to do my own googling, when people ask particularly good questions.  For instance, why don’t dogs have belly buttons?  And what does it mean if you send a red and a white rose together?

And sometimes, the lists are downright depressing:

• Why am I here?
• Why am I always tired?
• Why am I not losing weight?
• Why am I single?
• Why am I depressed?

But even more depressing than that list, are the large amounts of racist, sexist and recently homophobic questions people are asking.  Here are some examples I found just now:

Why do black people...

Until recently, when I would experiment and type in “Why do gay people…” or “Why are gays…”, nothing would come up.   I began to wonder why google would allow slander like “Why do black people love fried chicken…” but would block something like “Why do gay people have AIDS?”   But no more!  Google now allows bigotry of all people, including Gays.

When I type into google one of the most sought after questions, “Is it ok to be Gay?” the first link sends me to a quiet little website with hearts on it and this somewhat traumatizing video about what it means to be gay (apparently, it means AIDS):

So, instead of searching wearily through the depths of the internet for your gay stereotype queeries, I’ve assembled some answers from a real live gay person: me!  Here are my quick and easy answers to the most asked “gay stereotype” questions and statements posed by sadly uninformed Googlers:

Why are gay…

• men feminine?

Well, according to my cab driver a few weeks ago, gay men are feminine because they’re half woman.  I don’t think this is quite right, since I appear to be all man biologically.  Instead, I’ll assume that what you mean when you ask this is, “Why are some gay men feminine?” since there are plenty of gay men out there who play with other types of balls aside from just testicles, which is apparently a masculine thing to do.  I guess I’d say that some gay men are feminine because they it feels right to them to be that way. If that bothers you, the you need to ask yourself why you’re masculinity is threatened by someone’s lack thereof.  If you need to know the answer to that quickly, use this website.

• people gay?

More and more studies are showing that it’s genetic, but really the sex is just better.  Just kidding, it’s genetic.  But the sex is definitely awesome.

• marriages wrong?

My guess on this one would be because a lot of all marriages are wrong, so there have to be an equal or similar percentage of gay ones that are wrong too.  Marriages go wrong for many reasons.  Maybe you feel pressured into getting married to someone you’re not sure you love?  Maybe you and your partner are in different places in life?  Maybe you’re just too easy to give up?  In any event, marriage counseling has proven to be useful for many couples, and perhaps you should look into it.

• men so attractive?

Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!  Actually no, I don’t moisturize and I look good.  The answer to this one depends on if you’re a man or a woman asking the question.  If you’re a lady, perhaps you’re attracted to the unattainable.  This could be a self confidence issue, and you should realize that there are plenty of hot straight men out there, you just have to accept that you are good enough for what is available to you.  If you’re a dude asking this question, then go get a mirror.  Are you attractive?  If you answered yes, then maybe you’re gay.  If you answered no, then go moisturize and look again.

Gay people are…

• not born gay.

Well, I’m not saying that I came out of the womb in a Cher wig, but I will tell you that when I was in the 3rd grade I noticed that a blond classmate named Zach was super, super hot.  When did you first notice you liked the opposite sex?

• sick.

Bacteria and viruses are the most common causes of illness in both homo and heterosexuals.

• going to hell.

Well, if you believe in hell, then I guess it would be because we are sinful.  But when you get to the gates yourself, you better have some hearty passages from the bible to back that one up, which actually don’t exist like you think they do.  So, you bring the cocktail sauce, I’ll see you there.

• annoying.

Well, at least gay people aren’t responsible for this:

Why do gay people…

• talk like that?

I assume you mean the lisp and the high voice that again, some gay men have?  I went to speech therapy when I was a kid, as did many gay men according to David Sedaris.  But, unfortunately there have been no in depth, non biased studies conducted about the verbal tendencies of homosexual vs. heterosexual men.  So I will give you credit for the meaning of this question, but not the way you phrased it.

• want to join the army?

Beats me.   I’ll never go.  But,  I think we just want to be allowed to join the army.  And there is an easy equation for this, if it’s hard to understand.  First, ask “Is this something straight people can do?”  If the answer is “Yes, this is something straight people can do,” then gay people also want to be able to do it.

• have aids?

AIDS is an epidemic that has “shifted steadily toward a growing proportion of cases among black people and Hispanics and in women, and toward a decreasing proportion in [sex between two men].” So asking why “gay people have aids” is kind of like asking why tall people have asthma.

• exist?

Actually we’re a genetically similar set of aliens from another planet on which everyone mates with their own sex.  We were sent here from the Earth Year 4293 through an accidental hiccup in the time-space continuum.  We were attempting to travel back in time on our own planet, but instead traveled forward in time to a galaxy on the other end of the universe.  Now we’re trapped here for 2,000+ more years until we can finally return to our own planet in the hopes that we can save our dying civilization, which was taken over by a group of underground “introbreeds”, who insisted on mating with the opposite sex.  The introbreed lifestyle was so appealing that the vast majority of our population “changed teams”, and now no one is breeding at all.  Imagine our shock, when, after the time-quake ended, we found ourselves peppered in amongst a race almost identical to our own, but introbreeders by nature.  But I suppose that is all part of the cosmic irony that holds our universe in place.  Anyway, that’s why we exist on your planet.

So, those are my answers!  If you have any more questions, send them my way!

Liam Txts KIM JONG-IL (and otherz)

I sent a few txts to my friend Kimmy after I heard he released those two journalists with the help of the Clintons.  Here’s our conversation.

LIAM:  Thx for understanding about L & E!

ALMIGHTY KJL:  No prob.  Ur Clinton man apologized.

LIAM:  That’s not what i heard.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  HE APOLOGIZED FOR EVERYTHING

LIAM:  Hill said he didn’t.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  She is a disrespectful beast woman.  ALL PRAISE FATHER KIM-IL SU

ALMIGHTY KJL:  NG

LIAM:  Ur weird.  How u feelin’?

ALMIGHTY KJL:  IMMORTAL

LIAM:  mmmk.  Also not what I heard.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  U hear wrong!  All the time!

LIAM:  Just reading the news.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  U watch Korean Central News Agency?

LIAM:  Um, no.  NPR

ALMIGHTY KJL:  THEN U HEAR WRONG PRAISE KIM I

LIAM:  l-sung.  I know.

ALMIGHTY KJL:  I SENTENCE YOU TO 200 YEARS HARD LABOR

LIAM:  No u don’t.  Ur just mad cuz ur dying.

SLICK WILLY:  He’s seriuz.  Watch out.

LIAM:  Bill!  How are you in on this txt?

SLICK WILLY:  NSA BITCH!  THANKS GWB!

GEORGY DUBZ: HAY HAY!  PATRIUT AKT!

LIAM:  Politicianz…yikes

ALMIGHTY KJL:  ALL PRIAZE FATHER GOD KIM IL SUNG

GEORGY DUBZ:  lolz yeah

SLICK WILLY:  lolz

LIAM:  WTF

Twitter Spam

Just a quick little blurble.

I don’t quite understand the joys of twitter that so many have found, but I am learning.  But one thing about twitter that I find very amusing are the twitter spammers.  (Can we call them Spitters?)  I’m not sure what their intention is, possibly to add viruses to twittiots (I’m on a roll) who click on their links.  Or maybe it’s just to spread chaos.  I’m hoping for the latter.

Anyway, LeannBauer tried to follow me on twitter today.  She looks like a classic moss (see definition 3), and she was currently tweeting about how she “needed an older men who knew how to f*** me right”.  I don’t think she knows me very well.

Anyway, I noticed that though Leann was following 292 people, there were 2 people following her tweets.  I was thinking, who would be silly enough to do that, and then I looked and saw that it was 2 OTHER SPAMMERS!  Wow!  There’s something very funny, and slightly poetic about all of these fictitious girls looking for sex out there, just hollowly tweeting at each other in cyberspace…

By the way, if you’re not looking for an older man, feel free to follow my tweets here.